


Under My Skin

by Bitcheslovejawsh



Category: Actor RPF, Hunger Games (2012) RPF, Josh Hutcherson - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 01:03:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 37,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1490968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bitcheslovejawsh/pseuds/Bitcheslovejawsh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's okay to be broken. It's okay to fail. It's okay to need help & occasionally, it's okay to let your guard down. When Jenny's world is abruptly turned up-side-down, she's forced to learn all these things & more. With some help from her best friend along the way, she realizes that sometimes your support system is a key factor to recovery after hitting rock bottom. <br/>EDIT: I am in the process of editing this story. A lot will be added and a lot will be removed. Thank you guys so much for your patience!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Twist

October 2, 2011  
  
I stood motionless, letting the hot water wash over me and feeling tiny goose bumps begin to form while leaving my skin a light shade of pink. I've been standing in the shower motionless for a while now, simply lost in thought. The sound of a door opening and closing lets me know it’s time to get out. Turning the water off, I slide the shower door open and grab my towel, wrapping it around my body as my feet make contact with the icy floor. I made my way towards the bathroom to slowly peek my head out, catching a glimpse of none of than my best friend Joshua, sitting on my bed facing me with an utterly innocent smile.   
“Josh, you do know that it’s not time to go yet and I gave you a spare key for emergencies only, right?” I didn't’ even try to hold back the tone of annoyance.  
“Yeah, I know.” He chuckles slightly while looking down.   
“Okay, so what’s the emergency?” He looks up with his lips pulling up, making that silly half smirk of his.  
“I got bored.” He says, shrugging his shoulders as he gets up and walks over to my laptop and switches it on. “You should have expected this the moment you gave me the key, so just shut up about it and get dressed. I’ll just hear some of your music.”  
I roll my eyes and close the door. I actually should have expected it. I’ve known Josh ever since I was seven. We had just started our second grade year, and I was never good at making friends. Although I did have a way of always being the nerdy kid who everyone picked on. He was always the nice kid who everybody loved, the opposite of me. While the class was drawing, he had picked up his paper and walked over to me, asking to borrow my blue crayon. I had smiled at him and turned over my box, spilling all of the colors between us. He giggled; grabbing the shade of blue he liked best.   
“You’re nice. I like you.” Those five words were enough to pull me out of my bubble, allowing myself to befriend the boy in front of me, with the blond tips of his hair drooping slightly over his forehead. Now, twelve years later, we’re inseparable. Well, except for his occasional film. In which case I don’t see him for months. I shake the thought and decide to push it as far away as possible; I hated it when he left. I put the dirty clothes in a basket and walk out of the bathroom.   
“Hey Jen, when’s the doctors appointment?” He turns the chair in order to face me and raises his eyebrows. Josh knows I hate going to the doctors. I hate needles more than almost anything. Last time a doctor tried to give me a shot, I started crying and ran out. It would make me feel better if I wasn't seventeen at the time, but to think about it is pretty embarrassing.   
“Eleven. What time is it?” I put my hair up in a ponytail and turn from the mirror to face him.   
“It’s almost ten, still early. Come sit next to your Joshy and relax.” He pats the arm of the chair and winks at me while I laugh at his attempt to be flirty.   
“Sometimes I wonder how we’re friends, Joshy.” I laugh, knowing how much he actually hates to be called that. I make my way over and tussle his hair, making it stand in all directions.   
“Friends.” He scoffs. “ I prefer best friend, thank you very much.”   
“Move over idiot, you know both of us don’t fit on this chair. I wanna listen to music.” He moves his hand to cover his mouth, trying hard to hold back the laugh he’s holding in, yet failing once I notice his shoulders softly shaking as he moves to the side, allowing me to squeeze in next to him. I roll my eyes, ignoring him while I scan through my iTunes library.   
“If you put what I think you’re gonna put, I swear you’re gonna walk to the hospital, Jen.” He warns me, making me pause and look at him.   
“You’re bluffing, I’ll tell your mom if you make me walk and you know it.”   
“Oh, okay. In that case we’ll just take the motorcycle.”   
“I hate you.” He puts an arm around my shoulder and brings my forehead to his lips, pressing a soft kiss against my temple. I smile and press play, putting up the volume to the maximum.   
“ _Seriously_ ” He hangs his head back and pulls his hands to each side of his head, trying to cover his ears. I decide to push my luck and sing along the music.   
I’ve had a slight obsession with The Cab for so long, I basically know every song word for word. Needless to say, Josh being my best friend has heard their songs many more times that he could care for.  
“You know, I’ve always wanted to go to one of their concerts. I’d be so happy.”  
“I’ll take you one day.” He smiles. I pause the music and turn to him wide-eyed.   
“Really? Promise?”   
“I promise. As long as I no longer have to put up with this every time I come over.” I swing my arms around his neck and press a kiss against his cheek, smiling like an idiot.   
“You’re the best best friend ever, did you know that?” He laughs and nods slowly.   
“Yeah, I’ve been told. If you wanna ignore the waiting at the doctors, we should get going now.”He stands up and put on the black leather jacket he had apparently put on the side of the desk. I stopped him while he reached for the hat.   
“No, you’ll look like a dork. The jacket is good. Leave the hat, for the love of god you wear it everywhere. I’ll get my phone and my bag, wait for me downstairs.”   
A small ‘hmph’ escapes his lips as he walks away, irritation clear in his features as he walks out of my bedroom door. I walk towards my nightstand, grabbing my phone, sticking it into my pocket. I pause as I walk by the mirror, taking a long look at myself. I can’t help but never be pleased when I see my own reflection. I can’t help but point out the obvious changes that have occurred these past eight months. My face is a bit chubbier, the stretch marks in my arm a little more visible than I would like them to be. I turn sideways, regretting it instantly as I watch the sides of my stomach causing small muffin tops to show. I look down to my legs, turning a bit more so I’m able to see the back of them. Small stretch marks also forming by the side and the back of my knee. I swallow the lump in my throat and hold back tears. Nobody knows how hard I am on myself. How much I judge myself on a daily basis. I shake myself out of it and let out a breath I had subconsciously been holding.   
  


 _Get your shit together. You can’t let your best friend see you like this._

  
  
I make my way outside, locking the door and turning to Josh who was now sitting on the edge of his car, looking blankly in my direction.  
“You okay? You look pale.” His eyebrows are knitted together as he studies me, as if looking to see if he could figure out what’s going on in my head.  
“I’m fine, let’s just get there so we could leave.”   
  


***  


  
“Jennifer? We’re ready for you.” The nurse stands, holding the door open, smiling at me. I don’t like it. I don’t like hospitals. Most of all I despise the feeling at the pit of my stomach that is making my muscles tighten and my grip on Josh’s arm tighten.  
“Hey..” He tilts my chin up with his thumb so that I’m looking straight into his eyes. “It’ll be okay, alright? You’re gonna be fine, we’ll be in there for a couple minutes, just some stupid tests and that’s it. He’ll tell you everything is good and we’re out.” He smiles softly. I feel the muscles in my body soften up a little, though not entirely.   
“No needles. God, please no needles.” I whisper, only loud enough for him to hear, while walking slowly towards where the nurse is standing. I smile at her as she guides me into a room and tells me to wait for the doctor who will ‘be here shortly’. Which is a load of bull, cause that’s what they said in the waiting room and I ended up waiting an hour and a half. Every part of me feels uneasy and I’m sure Josh can tell.   
“Josh,” I talk timidly, my voice sounding more childlike than I’ve ever heard.   
“Yes?” He looks at me slowly, probably waiting for me to dash out. Instead of responding, I sit next to him, laying my head on his shoulder and grabbing his hand in mine, playing with his fingers, tracing every line on his palm as a way to calm my nerves.

***  


  
The doctor walks in after a couple minutes. His blonde hair falling over his forehead and his eyes glued to the papers in a folder he holds with my name on it. The room we’re in is dark, with machines of god knows what on every corner. I still have Josh’s hand in mine when the doctor walks towards us.  
“Hello, my name is Dr.Knight, nice to meet you, Jennifer and..” He looks towards Josh wondering what to call him. “Boyfriend?”   
“Best friend” We both say at the same time, causing us to exchange looks before looking back at Dr.Knight. Josh reaches the hand I’m not holding out to the doctor and smiles.   
“Josh Hutcherson, nice to meet you.”   
“Likewise.” He smiles before turning back to me. “Okay, now I’m going to ask you some questions. Would you like to answer them alone or-“  
“No, I need him here.”   
“Alright then. Last time you had your period?”   
“February. Eight months ago.”   
“And you haven’t gotten any sign of periods? Spotting, anything?”   
“Nope,” I was starting to think maybe Josh shouldn't be here.   
“Are you sexually active?” Yup. He shouldn't be here.   
“No, I’m not.” He was starting to shift uncomfortably and his thumb ran across the top of my hand.   
“It says here that you've actually gained weight since you stopped getting your period, am I right?” Now he hit the spot, and I cringe a little at my earlier thoughts.   
“Yes. Forty pounds.” I look down, trying to hold off any feelings that might show. I feel Josh put his other hand over mine and again, I feel less tense.   
“Okay, well, have you been drinking any water? ” He looks back over at me and I tighten my hold on Josh.   
“Yeah, about three bottles. It said in the letter I got that I was supposed to come full on nothing but water. Though it never said what for.”   
“Do you feel like you’re on a full bladder?” He ignores the last part, irritating me in response.   
“Yes, I do.” I try not too sound harsh, I just wanted to know what I had to do today to find out what’s been going on with me.   
“Mind laying down for me here?” He points at where people lay back to be examined. I make my way over, still holding onto my Josh, signaling him to take the seat by me. “I’m gonna pull up your shirt a little bit and you tell me where it hurts.” I nod and look over at Josh, I don’t have to speak, he knows what I’m thinking. He looks away to the wall instantly. The doctor’s feeling around but I feel nothing. The only thing I feel is the strong urge to pee. That is, until he rubs against lower left abdomen and a soft cry escapes my lips. Causing both the doctor and Josh to flinch. I feel hands pulling my hair back from my face.   
“Here?” Dr.Knight pokes my left side and again, I move away. He touches around it and I’m biting my lip to keep from crying. I bite until the taste of blood fills my mouth and wait until I’m told to sit back up. Josh brushes his lips on my temple and I look at the doctor, who’s writing on the folder with his eyebrows knitted together.   
“Okay now, what we’re gonna do, is an Ultrasound. Now-” I stop him before he can go on.   
“Isn't that for pregnant women?” I ask, not caring if I sound stupid.  
“Well yes, but it has more than one use. In this case, we’ll use it to be able to check your insides, seeing if there is any cause for what you’re feeling or might have been feeling for the past few months. Now, lie back again for me and unbutton the top of your pants please.” I’m sure by now, all the color has drained from my face, but I do as I’m told. I watch as Dr.Knight pulls over one of the machines to the opposite side of me and takes out a tube of gel, applying it to my torso. He asks for Josh to stand by the door and reluctantly, I let go of his hand. I close my eyes as I feel one of the tools being moved across my lower stomach. I look over at Josh, who’s staring intensely at the screen that’s not visible to me. For a split second, I could swear his eyes bulge. I fight off the intense pain I feel when he moves the tool to my left side. I close my eyes, squeezing them shut, letting one or two tears fall from them. I don’t open them till I feel someone wiping them away, and the lights being turned on fully. My stomach is being cleaned and the doctor excuses himself. I button up my pants and pull down my shirt. When I look at Josh, he’s avoiding my eyes. He sits down on the chair and this time, he grabs my hand, holding it against his lips, kissing my hand, slightly sending chills down my spine. He’s never done anything like that. We sit in silence, his hand never letting go of mines, instead, being pressed softly against his thin lips repeatedly.   
“It’s all done.” Dr.Knight says, neither of us aware he had gotten back in the room, the ultrasound pictures threatening to fall out of the folder. When I look up, he won’t meet my eyes either.  
“Spit it out. What’s wrong with me.” He stares at me in shock, but I need to know.  
“Well… first of all this is perfectly normal with girls your age and-“   
”Just say it.” I’m growing impatient, I’m not a little kid. I could handle it.   
“You have a tumor on your left ovary.” My heart dropped. I’m pretty sure I felt it. I feel Josh drop my hand, although I don’t react to it this time. But when I don’t respond, Dr.Knight continues,“It’s making your ovary twenty times its normal size. Also, It’s pretty wrapped up and if the tumor can’t be fully removed with success, the only other option would be to remove the left ovary entirely and-“   
“So what can you do?” The words don’t come from me. It’s the first time Josh has spoken in the last couple of minutes, and if his voice sounds as shaky as it does, I don’t trust mine.   
“Surgery.”   
“When? As soon as possible. What’s the fastest you can do it?” I’m still sitting back, motionless and mute. Dr.Knight looks down at a clipboard he’s holding and flips some papers back.   
“October 8th is the only time I have open for a surgery. I’d say six in the morning.”  
I look over to see him watching me, his hazel eyes asking me for an answer. Still not being able to trust my voice, the one thing I can do is nod in response.   
“Okay, October 8th, we’ll be here. Can we go?”   
”Yes just take this paper, and bring it when you come back on the 8th.”   
He takes the paper, takes my hand and walks me out of the room. We walk silently, from the room, to the car. Ride in silence all the way home, his knuckles turning white from the grip he has on the wheel. The silence lasts till we’re back in my room, and when I walk in, I turn back to see him leaning against the door, hands in his pockets and his stare on the floor. When he looks up, he smiles, and the glassy look on his eyes and the tear that’s threatening to fall- that is my undoing. I collapse. He catches me before I hit the ground, and we sit there. I sob into his shirt and grip onto his jacket. I bury my face in the crook of his neck, his rugged breaths sounding just like mine.   
When I have no more tears left, I’m stay on the floor and cling to him like a lifeline. And when I feel the darkness start to take me, I let it. 


	2. For You, I Could

October 2, 2011

_Thunder_. That’s what awakes me. I blink a couple of times, turning on my side and staring at the rain crashing down on my window. The sound of thunder makes me feel utterly calm, like everything is okay. I shy away from any thoughts that might bring me to the edge, and focus fully on the spell the rain casts on me. Pulling me in, making every nerve in my body go numb. Like a crying baby when it’s given his pacifier, relaxing instantly. I look at the clock on my night stand. Nine thirty. I’d slept almost the entire day. Crying has a way of shutting your body down, as if saying ‘You’ve had enough’. A small yellow post-it note catches my eye and I reach for it.

  _Had to go take care of something, I’ll try to come back before you wake up. Oh, by the way, I left you some McDonald’s in the microwave :p - Joshy_

I smiled to myself as I stuck the note back on the night stand, swinging my legs off the side of the bed. Josh knew that if anything was gonna make me feel better, it was food. I took the time to change into my Winnie The Pooh pajamas, fix my pony tails and put on some socks. The only sound heard throughout the house is the song of the pouring rain hitting every window surrounding the small house. I walk over to the kitchen, grab the McDonald bag inside the microwave and make my way back up to my room.

Opening the box of chicken tenders and Sweet n’ Sour sauce, I place them in front of the computer, opening it up to put some music on when the sound of rain started to fade. In the mood I’m in, I ignore all songs that have that happy, up-beat I usually listen to. Instead, I type in ‘Simple Plan’ and press shuffle, letting whatever songs decides to play, start at full volume. I can feel the knot in my throat as the song starts playing and I decide to let it out the only way I know how. So I start going along with the song.The next part comes out in a hushed whisper and a small tear runs down my cheek.

__

_No you don’t know what it’s like_

__

_When nothing feels alright_

I stick my head between my hands and sob quietly to myself, allowing myself to let the knot in my throat let out tiny whimpers.

__

_To be on the edge of breaking down_

__

_And no ones there to save you_

When I take my head out of my hands, I see him. Silently standing, leaning against the door frame. I study him, soaked from head to toe. He makes his way over to me and I remain still, not trusting myself to speak cause of the fact that I have no idea how long he was standing there. I have no idea if he was there when the whimpers escaped me. He sits on the arm of my chair and wordlessly pulls me into his chest, just like he had done earlier. A few minutes of silence pass before I trust myself enough to speak again.

"What if they have to remove my ovary? What if that lowers the chance of me being able to have kids? You know how I feel about that, I can’t even begin to think-" He places his hand over my mouth. Waiting for me to stop trying to talk, he grabs my face between both his hands and lifts my gaze up, forcing me to look into his eyes, even though that’s the last thing I would want to do right now.

"Then  _don’t_. Don’t think. Just stop. Everything is gonna be fine.  _You’re_  gonna be fine. You’re going to get this over with, get older and have kids just as beautiful as you. Stop thinking of everything that could go wrong and start focusing on what’s going to go right. You always do this, you think the worst. Ignore the dark side and try your best to find a bright one.” He looks at me, waiting for my response. I managed to nod as he let go of my face and holds onto me to him again as I hold onto him.

"You should pack a bag, just saying" He says, suddenly smirking down at me, enjoying my confusion.

"What are you planning, Joshua?" I raise my eyebrows at him.

"I guess you’ll have to pull your shit together and find out." I glare at him and move away, waiting for him to at least give me a hint. He doesn’t budge.

"So are you gonna pack? Or do I pack something for you and drag you out to my car in those Winnie The Pooh pajamas of yours?" Again, he smirks; causing the side of my lips to twitch upward.

"Where are we going?" I question, raising my eyebrow at him.

"To an amusement park, tomorrow."

"You’re insane. Then why do I need to pack a bag?"

"Cause we’re going to my house. Connor and his friend are going. And so are we. So get some clothes and let’s go." He smiles at me, knowing that I’ll never turn down a chance to go. But it’s more than that. He’s hiding something, and I can’t wait to find out what.

"Okay, fine." He laughs and bends forward a little to kiss my head.

"I’ll be in the car. Don’t get too much stuff, last time we went somewhere it looked like you were moving out. Oh, and I already told your mom everything, so hurry up." He runs out the door before I can form a reply. Whatever it is he’s planning, I need it. I need to get away and let my mind roam elsewhere, and an amusement park with my crazy best friend just might do the trick.

_***_

October 3, 2011

"Hey JenJen how’s it going?" Connor has a way of making people smile incredibly easily, no matter what mood anyone’s in.

"It’s going" I giggle as he walks over to me, laughing as he pulls me into a hug. This was a normal way of saying hi to each other. It was never a hey, hi, or hello. It’s been this way so long, I no longer remember how it started.

"You guys ready?" Josh asks, walking into the kitchen looking in Connors direction.

"Yeah, let me just get Mat and we’re out."

"We’ll be in the car, let’s go,  _JenJen_.”

"Shut up." I run over to his Audi, opening door and getting in, looking for a radio station I can stand while we wait for Connor and his friend Mat to come out. Mat is one of Connors closest friends. He’s a little taller and a lot tanner, his eyes big and gray. His spiky black hair sticks out in all directions and the dimples on his cheek stand out every time he smiles, although he isn’t much of a talker, he’s a nice kid to have around.

Once we’re all in the car, I roll the window down and tune everything out, simply enjoying the way the fresh air feels against my face. Before I know it, we’re walking into the massive park. Connor and Mat leave looking for the biggest ride to start off with. I’m about to walk with them when I feel Josh hold me back, shaking his head from side to side.

"Why not?" I ask him, knowing out of all of us, he’s the one that enjoys the rides the most.

"That’s not why we came." He pulls me back towards him and we keep walking straight for a couple more minutes. As I look around, I notice it’s insanely crowded, it always is, but this is more than usual. I can feel Josh staring at me when I come to a stop. I turn around to face him with my hands on each side of my hips.

"Out with it, Josh. What are you up to." He walks over to me and hands me the Six Flags pamphlet he had been holding, and puts his arm around my shoulders. 

"Open it," He smiles."You’ll see."

I do as he says and freeze when I see a picture of the five guys I’ve been dreaming to see in front of me on stage. I can feel Josh’s chuckle in my ear as he softly whispers, “Surprise,” I turn to look at him, smiling so big my cheeks hurt.

"Yeah…right…You’re kidding!" I can’t help but feel bubbly, looking at the picture in my hand.

"Nope, after what you said yesterday I figured you needed this. I made a few calls when I left and I found out they were here, and I know a few people who were willing to help and oh, look," He points at the paper in my hands, "apparently, the odds were in your favor." I look at him in silence mentally pinching myself to see if this was all real. When it’s confirmed, I throw my arms around his neck, along with my legs around his waist and I feel him smiling against my neck as he places his hands on the small of my back.

"I thought you said you couldn't stand their music?" I pull back and look at him as he shrugs.

“For you, I could _._ ”


	3. Time

October 3, 2011

      When you’re excited for something to happen, time seems to go by in slow motion around you. The minutes drag on and feel like hours. That’s how it is now, staring at the stage full of bright flashing lights, illuminating the night sky. The place is crowded and I’m thankful to be near the front away from all the unwanted pushing and screaming I hear towards the back. My eyes scan the red, white, and black sign upfront.

**THE CAB**

      It’s all so surreal, being able to stand here knowing they’ll be up there soon, singing the songs that I usually jam out to when the house is empty and I can sing as loud as my voice goes. I look over at Josh next to me and wrap my arms around his waist, burying my face right under his chin. I thought there was no way the screaming could get any louder. I was proved wrong when the music started playing and the five guys rise from under the stage, all looking down at their feet. The lights shut off for a split second before they’re flashing all different colors. I tighten my grip around Josh, not even trying to hide the childish grin plastered on my face from ear to ear.

_'Cause we're all just kids_

_Who grew up way too fast_

_Yeah the good die young_

_But the great will always last_

      The music is so loud, the beat pounds against my ears, along with the deafening screaming coming from my surroundings. I love it. All my worries seem petite and I can feel them beginning to melt. I get Josh to carry me on his shoulders so I could take some pictures and the same way I’m enjoying my view, I’m enjoying my night just as much, maybe more. I don’t plan on forgetting this, not ever.

*******

 

October 8, 2011

      When you’re dreading something, time seems to fly by you in a hurry. Bringing you closer and closer to the certain thing you dread. In a way, it’s a good thing. It means you get to get whatever it is, over with. On the other hand, it also means something else. You have to face it. You can’t walk away, or in my case run. You can’t turn your face and pretend it’s nothing. Whatever it is you dread, it isn’t going anywhere ‘till you face it.

      I open my eyes slowly, letting out a loud groan and facing down on my pillow. I should be happy about this. After the surgery it should all get better, or at least I hope it does. Accepting the fact that the quicker I deal with it, the faster it’s over with, I make my way to the bathroom and get ready, checking the time I have before Josh gets here.

      I take a quick shower, brush my teeth, put my hair in a bun and finish getting dressed. Slipping on my sweatpants and my plain black shirt, I walk out of the bathroom and fall face first on the bed. I stay in the same position until I hear an all too familiar chuckle.

      "Ready?" He asks while rubbing the back of his neck.

      "As ready as I’ll ever be. I don’t need to take anything right?" Surprisingly, he knows more about all of this than I do. I’ve tried to just avoid the topic during the past few days. Meaning if there is a call to be made to the hospital, I’m obviously not the one making them.

      "No, not even your keys." I throw them back on my bed and shrug, walking over to kiss his cheek. "Your parents called?"

      "Yeah, both working and won’t be on vacation till god knows when. Doesn’t surprise me." I’m still putting on my shoes, waiting for a response. When I don’t get one, I look up.

      "You’re staying at my house." It’s not a question, he continues before I can argue with him. "Don’t even try it, Jen. You’re gonna be in recovery for at least a week, who’s gonna be here to take care of you?"

      "I can take care of myself, Joshua." 

      "Yeah, bullshit. You’re staying over, let’s go."

      Sometimes, I like the fact he’s protective over me, always trying to take care of me. Other times, it’s infuriating. I’m nineteen, I can honestly take care of myself. Yet, fighting with him is pointless, cause when it comes to this, he gets it his way. Considering that, I take a deep breath and make my way downstairs and out, waiting for him by his car.

*******

      When my name is called in the waiting room, everything clicks. This is real.  _Shit_. This is really happening and I’m scared out of my mind. I’m pulled into a room with multiple beds, curtains dividing each one. I’m told to take every piece of clothing I have on off and put on one of the hospital gowns instead. I try my best to put the gown on over my clothes and take everything off with it on to avoid having to go to a room to change and have to walk back. Putting my clothes to the side, I lay back on the hospital bed, clinging to Josh’s hand while his other plays with my hair, trying to relax me. It works like magic. That is, until the nurse comes up to me with a needle in her hand. 

      "Shh, relax. It’s alright." He starts murmuring in my ear without success.

      "This will be quick." She smiles while grabbing my right hand from Josh and wiping the top. I look away before I feel it sinking in through my skin and being taped. With that, she walks away. It’s like this for a couple of minutes. Nurses come in and out, getting me ready to go in the surgery room. Josh remains at my side soothing my hair and occasionally planting a kiss to my head. When a different nurse comes in and lowers the bed, I suddenly feel like I swallowed a huge rubber ball. Everything is blurry but I can feel myself being taken away and as I glance to the side I see Josh being held back, and as much as I wish I could ask for him to stay with me, I can’t find the strength in me.

      I’m staring at the bright light in the ceiling as I feel something being put over my face, covering my nose and mouth.

      I hear voices around me.  _Breathe deeply_. They say, over and over again.  _Take deep breaths._ While I take the last deep breath, I feel a tear sliding down, until its wetness tickles my ear. _Everything will be okay_. Once again, I feel the darkness pulling me in, so I close my eyes and welcome it.

*******

      I can hear everything around me. The sound of the TV playing near me, the even breathing of someone beside me, the loud air spilling out of the air vent. I can feel my hand being played with and the warm breath that’s blowing softly against it. I can hear what seems like him talking to himself. It takes a few seconds to realize he’s not talking, he’s  _singing_. Well, trying to. I can’t deny the calming effect it has on me. I feel a kiss being pressed on the top of my hand, with a breath followed as he continues to sing softly into my hand.

      I had never heard Josh singing. Rapping, yes, more times than I could count. This was something different, and I have a feeling I wasn’t suppose to hear it. I feel myself smile as I search for his hand slowly, but it’s no longer near mines. I open my eyes slowly, and there he is, sitting with his head hung back on the chair, eyes closed but lips slightly parted as he takes a deep breath.

      "You should sing more often." I try to joke, realizing it was barely coherent. I’m now aware of the soreness of my throat, it hurts a lot more than I had expected. His head snaps forward and he smiles at me widely.

      "Good morning, sleeping beauty. How do you feel?"

      "Sore." There’s a throbbing pain in my lower abdomen and I avoid moving at all costs. "When can I leave?" I rather not sleep the night in a cold hospital room. I’d spend the night almost anywhere but here.

      "We were waiting for you to wake up. We can leave when you’re ready. According to Dr.Knight, the tumor was taken out successfully, meaning there was no need to remove your left ovary." He pauses and I feel some weight lifted off my shoulders. "He’ll be in here in a little and we’ll go." I nod and try to look under the covers, but after the third sharp pain on my side, I give up as the doctor walks in.

      "Hello," He smiles, looking at both of us. "I’d just like to go over a few things if that’s alright." When I nod, he continues. "For the following week, you can’t be moving around unless absolutely necessary. Bathing is off limits for two weeks, otherwise the bandages will moisten and fall off. " No bath for two weeks? This can’t get any worse. "Also, you’re gonna be having a lot of gas, so if you need to burp or maybe even fart, you can’t hold it." I was wrong.

      "Oh my god, that’s so embarrassing." I bury my face in my hands trying my best to hide myself as Josh chuckles, leaning over to whisper to me.

      "Don’t worry, if anything, blame it on me." He shrugs it off, not the least bit phased.

      "Anything else?" I say, ignoring Josh and facing Dr.Knight.

      "I believe that’s about it. Not much, but I had to make sure to inform you, those simple three things are very important to remember. Whenever you’re ready you can get dressed and leave when you please. Just sign here," He hands me a paper and pen, yet I don’t bother to read it. I simply sign it and hand it back. What I want, is to leave. 

      When it’s just Josh and I again, I hold out my arms, asking for help to get myself to stand up. I cringe with every movement I make as I’m being walked towards the empty chairs at the front of the room, with my clothes ready for me to put on. I’ve never struggled this much to simply put a bra on. Every movement I make is painful, making the normal task of dressing, very far from easy. I sit back as much as I can while Josh puts on my shoes for me.

      The ride is silent but comfortable. I trace circles around my stomach while looking out the window. It’s still early and my mind goes back to replay the moment when I woke up. Turning my iPod on, I search for the song he was singing earlier and look at him.

      "Hey Josh?"

      "Hmm?" He doesn’t look at me, but I smile, pressing play and looking back at him.

      "How about you try that singing thing again, huh?"

      He remains silent as I look out the window, a smirk appearing on his face. As soon as he starts, ever so softly, I can feel my eyelids growing heavy.

_Come take my hand_

_I want the world to see_

_What you mean to me_


	4. Flutter

October 9, 2011

      It’s four in the morning and I’m holding on to the sink as if my life depended on it. The lower part of my body feels like it could collapse with any sudden movement. I can’t move. I can’t sleep. It’s a miracle I got as far as from Josh’s bed to the bathroom, actually. I’m tired and there is nothing I want more than to be able to sleep. Yet, the fact the stitches on my torso and belly button prevent me from sleeping face down, won’t allow me to doze off. Every move I make to try to get comfortable enough to sleep is practically useless. My breath hitches and I feel the urge to sneeze as my grip on the sink tightens. When the sneeze leaves my body, I’m almost certain I feel my lower half shatter to pieces. I allow myself to release the grip on the sink and slide down on the floor, curling into a ball as much as I possibly can. I can no longer hold back the sobs escaping me.

      After what feels like an eternity I hear foot steps running and the door of the room fly open. The foot steps grow louder as they get closer to the bathroom. The door opens slowly, revealing a half naked Josh with his mouth agape, eyes shooting wide as they travel to the floor and he notices the position I’m in, getting down on his knees beside me.

      "Oh my god what happened?" He’s picking me up slowly, although no matter how slow his movements are, they still hurt like hell.

      "I couldn’t sleep.." I avoid his gaze, not wanting to be lectured.

      "You can’t be getting up from the bed. If you need to, you call me and I help you."

      "Well the phone was out of reach so I had to stand up either way." He sighs while picking me up, opening the door as much as he could with his foot, walking me over to the bed.

      "What hurts?" He whispers, putting me down and pulling the covers over me.

      "Everything." I take a deep breath, closing my eyes.

      "I’ll just sleep on the chair today." He runs his hand through his hair and walks over to the blue chair sitting next to the door. I reach for his arm and pull him back without moving too much.

      "You’re free to sleep in your own bed, you know? There’s enough space and that chair is not anywhere near comfortable." I pat the other side of the bed and study him slightly.

      "Are you sure?" He asks, eyebrows knitted together looking down at me.

      "I’m sure, Josh." I yawn, holding on to a small pillow and squishing it in my arms.

      He walks over to the other side of the bed and lays down, putting both hands on the back of his head while staring up at the ceiling. From time to time, his eyes flicker over to me. I slowly doze off, trying my best to ignore the ache I feel all around. When I finally find sleep, I don’t dream. I’m in complete darkness and I feel numb. But if this is as close to sleep as I’ll get for a while, I figure I better get used to it. 

      I awake feeling soft breaths against my neck, feeling his chest rise and fall against my back. His arms snake faintly around my waist and I don’t remember settling into this position, but it doesn’t bother me. I don’t feel as much pain as I did last night, though it’s still there. He shifts in his sleep and lets out a breath, causing goosebumps to rise, along with the hair on the back of my neck. I’m in my best friends  _bed_ , cuddled up against him. There’s that fluttering again. 

      "Josh.." I shake him off softly but his firm tightens. I position my hand on his shoulders and delicately shake him. His eyes snap open and he jumps up and away from me. I cringe as the sudden movement shakes the whole bed, increasing the pain on my torso.

      "Sorry..I didn’t realize I- good morning.." Instead of waiting for my response he walks over to the bathroom, leaving me holding onto my side with my eyes shut tightly. After a few minutes, he walks out and into the closet, sliding on a plain black tank top and his cargo shorts.

      "You need anything?" He asks, sticking his hands in his pockets and walking over to me.  I shake my head and look up at him walking towards me and hovers over me, planting a gentle kiss to my temple. "Let me know if anything." He says over his shoulders as he walks out. I doze off as soon as I’m left alone.

  ***

      I’ve been getting calls all day. It seems people only care when you’re hurt. People who never bothered to ask me how I was, were asking now. Besides them are my family and friends. Sending messages nonstop, asking me to call them. To be honest, I probably won’t. I’m in no position to make small talk or answer any questions. When my phone vibrates again, I realize I had two texts I had overlooked. One from Josh:  _Ice cream cake? :p_

      I smile at the text, the good part about this whole thing, is being spoiled. And so I reply:  _Yes, please. :)_

      I check the other one I had received from my sister, Desy:  _Going over today, love you._

      Instead of writing back, I decide to call Connor, cause there’s no way I’ll be able to get up by myself this time. Besides feeling like a pile of rubbish, feeling utterly useless and immobile seems even worse sometimes. He walks in with a smile and puts one of my hands over his shoulder and the other one around my waist.

      "Where to?" He asks, stopping at the door.

      "Downstairs, I wanna watch a movie or something."

      "But Josh said that-"

      "I don’t care what Josh said, Conn." Rolling my eyes I start stepping forward slowly.

      "Fine, but if anything, you walked yourself downstairs." He scoffs, defeated.

      "Gotcha."

    *** 

October 12, 2011

 

      I’m able to move without feeling any pain now, although there are times when the pain comes back unbearably strong. Just as the sun starts rising, I make my way out into the hallway of rooms, slowly, I tip-toe into the guestroom Josh is sleeping in. His soft snores are barely audible as I soundlessly make my way over to him and climb on top of him, making sure not to wake him just yet.

      I study his face for a moment, his long eyelashes and the way the left side of his lip is pulled up into what seems like a smile. I look at his jaw, and his full pink lips that are somehow mesmerizing. My hand is resting on his chest and I could feel his heart beating faintly under my palm. My legs are on each of his sides and I’m hovered over the top of his stomach. I feel warm, and although I’ve never been this close to him, I decide I don’t care. I slowly grab each side of his face between my hands and lean in, pressing a kiss to his forehead. When he doesn’t respond I lean over again, pressing my lips to each of his warm cheeks and then one on the right side of his jaw. He starts stirring beneath me and I softly sit on his chest, stilling him. I kiss his cheeks as his eyes start to softly blink. I lean in one last time, near his left earlobe and press my lips to it, letting my lips linger on what I know is his sweet spot. His body tenses beneath me and I know he’s awake. I feel that flutter in the pit of my stomach and a tingly feeling as my lips part from his skin. Without moving away, I lean closer, smiling against his ear.

      "Happy Birthday, Josh."


	5. Must Be Nice

October 12, 2011

      The silence is comfortable as we stare at one another. The soft smile on his lips that’s threatening to grow wider, the palm of my hands can feel his heart beat quicken and I’m sure mine is too. This feels different, although as much as it does, I don’t get off. I lean down and give his forehead another light kiss.

      "I wouldn’t mind waking up like that every birthday, to be honest." He avoids my eyes but there’s nothing I want more than to look into them. His cheeks turn a shade of pink and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him blush.  I can feel my own face grow warm and I’m glad he’s not looking directly at me. I stand up carefully, holding on to the bandages around my waist. 

      "You should get dressed, Desy will be here soon, and so will everybody else." Right on time,  the door bell rings, sending echos throughout the house. "I’ll get it. Get ready, Hutch." I wink playfully and make my way downstairs, practically bouncing as I head for the door. I swing the door open with a smile on my face as I’m being taken into Desy’s arms, firmly yet gently. When we part, I take a good look at her, her long brown wavy locks landing just above her waist. Her purple blouse loose along her chest yet perfectly hugging her thin waist. Her short shorts barely covering her bottom as she swaggered into the kitchen.

      "You look like a whore." I say playfully, poking her arm.

      "Yeah, I love you too." I smile at this, finding her sarcasm to be one of the best things about her.  "When is everyone getting here?" She asks curiously, opening up the fridge and taking out a box of cookies along with a gallon of milk.

      "You do know this isn’t my house, right?" I ask her.

      "Might as well be." She responds unphased, pouring milk in a cup and opening up the bag of cookies, dipping them in the cup with a smug look on her face. I reach over the counter, grabbing the box of cookies and walking to the opposite side of the kitchen, leaving her with the one in her hand.

      "If that were nutella and you weren’t in a delicate state, I might have tackled the shit out of you." She rolls her eyes and finishes the milk in her cup, as I stand victoriously.

      "Hey ladie- wow." He eyes her slowly, starting at her feet and his gaze slowly moving up and pausing at her waist and eyeing her chest, then finally makes it’s way to her face. "Hi."

      "Hi yourself, birthday boy." She walks over to him, pulling him into her arms. In any other case, I would have smiled at the scene. Any other case that didn’t have his hands grabbing her waist and lingering there. I walk out of the kitchen not knowing what I’m feeling deep in my gut, but knowing it has nothing to do with the stitches. His reaction to her. The way he held on to her. I don’t like it. At all.

 

***

      The music sends vibration throughout  the walls. The place is crowded with people I’ve never even seen before, family, some of his friends, and more people I’ve never seen. I play with my hands, not making contact with anyone. I lost Desy in the crowd a while ago. I wasn’t much of a party person, and she was my opposite. While I wasn’t a party person, she sure as hell was the life of the party. I feel someone sit next to me and I turn to see Josh smiling at me, his cheeks flushed pink and his hair spiked up. Little sweat beads trickling down the side of his face.

      "You okay?" He looks at me suspiciously, inches away from my face.

      "I’m fine, you should go check on Desy." I turn away from him, rolling my eyes.

      "She’s fine, I promised her we’d do some Jell-O shots later." He chuckles, and I’m glad he can’t see me clenching my jaw. 

      "How cute." I stand up and make my way to the bathroom, Ignoring his eyes following my movements. I hated this feeling. Since when did they decide to be all close? Since when does he stare at her like he did today? Since when does he show any interest. Most importantly, since when do I care?

      I stare at myself in the mirror, from head to toe. My hair is curled and reaches midway down my back, the small white bow on the right side of my head giving it a nice touch. My straight bangs land partly over my face. I lower my eyes to my tight red shirt, hating how if you looked close enough, you could see some of the outlines of the bandages covering my stitches. My skinny jeans making my sides stick out and my thighs look huge. I hate it. It’s times like these that I analyze myself infront of a mirror and realize all the weight I gained since February. I look back at my face, the make up done by my sister. My big brown eyes glistening as I try my hardest to swallow my feelings. I just want to change. I want to look better than I do now. My confidence has gone down the toilet and I can’t face all the changes I’ve gone through in just a little less than one year.

      I pull up my shirt and study my swollen stomach. My sides, the pink stretchmarks that started showing up a couple weeks ago have turned to my most prominent feature from my chest to my waist. I trace over them, wishing it would make them go away. Looking at them in the mirror, turning and being able to see the rest. It’s hideous. My body has turned into something I can no longer look at like I used to. No longer something I can be proud of. I feel a tear roll down my cheek and I wipe it off with my thumb. I rest my hand over the bandages, wondering how much more I’ll despise my body once I see what that skin now looks like.

      Pulling my shirt down, I take one last look in the mirror as I fix it. Taking a deep breath and giving it my all not to cry, I walk back into the mess of the party.

      "Where have you been?" I whip around at the sudden voice behind me. Her arms crossed as she leans against the wall narrowing her eyes at me, drilling holes through me.

      "Bathroom, obviously. Why aren’t you with Josh?" This time it’s my turn to narrow my eyes.

      "Why would I be? It’s not like-" She stops suddenly, smirking. "Ohh I get it, you’re jealous."

      "What? No. I’m not jealous, get the hell out of here with that." Crossing my arms I look at her, her face shining and she’s still grinning.

      "Save it. I’m your sister. Not some random friend of yours. I know you more than you know yourself. You’re jealous. And stupid, too." I ignore the whole beginning and skip to the end.

      "Why the hell am I stupid?"  My voice is noticably louder.

      "Why? Think about it. There’s no reason to be jealous."

      "Yes there is. Okay? Yes there fucking is. You didn’t see the way he looked at you when you got here!"

      "And you don’t see the way he looks at you all the time." With that, she walks away, and I’m left with my jaw sitting on the floor.

***

      Every year for as long as I can remember, during his birthday everyone who wants to, gets a dance with him. His mom being the first one, and we all watch as she smiles up at him with a sparkle in her eyes. They joke and laugh and their mother-son relationship is utterly beautiful. I watch as he dances with some of his friends, not being able to keep the small grin off my face.

      When the songs get slower, the couples all get together and dance, while the rest of us pick a spot and talk or drink. Desy walks over to me with a drink in her hand and puts her arm around me.

      "You should dance with him."

      "I don’t think he wants to. I haven’t been the best to be around today." I stare at the floor like if it’s the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen, evading her eyes.

      "Alright. Some things I just have to do myself." She puts her drink down and walks off with a sigh towards the DJ, grabbing the mic. I mentally face palm myself, knowing what she’ll do next.

      "Hey Josh, how bout a cute dance with your bestfriend?"

      I spot him in the crowd, sitting next to his brother and smiling at her before looking in my direction. I’m suddenly numb and have no idea what I should do. I’m frozen. When he stands up and walks over to me, I can feel my knees growing weak with every step he takes closer to me. All eyes are on us as he sticks his hand out in front of me, asking to place mine in his. Nervously, I comply and grab onto it as he leads the way, looking over at Desy and waiting for her to pick a song for us. Her lips turn up into a mischievous grin as she learns over the DJ’s ear and he smiles, nodding at her.

      "You know I suck at dancing, right?" I ask as the slow rhythm starts. He grabs my hands, guiding them to rest on his neck as his arms snake around my waist pulling me closer.

      "Just follow me."

_Must be nice_

_Having someone who understands the life you live_

_Must be nice_

_Having someone who’s slow to take and quick to give_

_Must be nice_

_Having someone who sticks around when the rough times get thick_

_Must be nice_

_Having someone who loves you despite your faults_

_Must be nice_

_Having someone who talks the talk but also walks the walk_

      The movements are slow and the flutter in my stomach grows as he pulls me even closer to him. I rest my head on his shoulder and we move swiftly, perfectly together.

_Even when your hustling days are gone_

_She’ll be by your side still holding on_

_Even when those 20’s stop spinning_

_And all those gold-digging women disappear, she’ll still be here_

_Must be nice_

_Having someone you can come home to from a long day of work_

_Must be nice_

_Having someone you don’t have to show they know exactly where it hurts_

      I realize I’ve been singing along to the song, and I look back up at him, smiling down at me. He moves his head closer to my ears, softly whispering the lyrics against it, making chills run down my spine, quickening my heart beat with just a couple words.

_Must be nice_

_Having someone who trusts you despite what they’ve heard_

_Someone as mighty as a lion but still as gentle as a bluebird_

_Must be nice_

_Having someone you don’t have to tell you don’t want to be alone_

      I hold onto him, wanting this moment to last forever.


	6. I'm Not Going Anywhere

October 23, 2011

      Due to the fact it’s been fifteen days since the surgery, I’m finally allowed to bathe and remove all my bandages. I make my way over to the towel closet next to Josh’s room in search for a towel I’m able to use. I’ve been staying over so long I feel like I practically live here. I mean, I’ve slept over plenty, but never quite this long. Spotting a towel on the highest shelf a light shade of purple, I try my best to reach for it. The fact that I’m still extremely sore makes it awfully challenging to reach the damn towel. I stop struggling when I hear the door to Josh’s room open and his head peaks out by the side.

      "What do you think you’re doing, crazy?" He asks, confused yet playfully.

      "It’s been fifteen days," I smile in excitement. "I can take off the bandages and shower." He nods his head, stepping out and reaching for the towel I wanted and handing it over to me.

      "Need help?" He asks, being completely serious.

      "Ha," I chuckle sarcastically, "Considering I’ll be naked, nope."

      "So then keep some clothes on. I’m asking because, one, while taking off the bandages you have to be highly gentle. Knowing you, you’ll probably wanna rip them off like a small bandage. Two, you might not like what you see and it’ll be hard for you to deal with, speaking from experience. Three, I want to help. I’ll lend you some of my beach shorts if it makes you more comfortable." He finishes, waiting for my response as I think it through.

      "Fine," I walk into his room and into his shower, taking off my shirt gently, staying in my bra and waiting for the shorts. I look in the mirror, down to my bandages. I wonder what it looks like under.

      "Here." He whispers and turns away, allowing me to change quickly.

      "You can turn back around now. Aren’t you gonna change?"

      "No, I don’t care if my shirt gets wet. Get in." I do as he says, slowly stepping in as he moves the shower curtain as far to the right as it goes. I turn the shower head away from me while turning the water on, just in case it comes out too cold. When it’s warm enough, I move under it, letting the water soak my hair. I watch as Josh grabs the soap bar and rolls it in his palms.

      "Face me, which one are you taking off first?" He eyes the bandages. One on each side of my lower hip, and one in my belly button. I point to the left side of my hip, figuring it’s better to get the smaller ones out of the way first. He grabs a hold of my right side and puts the soap down. Turning to me again he moves his hand over to my left bandage, applying the soap to its edges in small circles. When the sides are coated with soap, he starts grabbing at the sides trying to lift the tape without pulling too roughly. It’s like taking off a bandage and not being able to just rip it off and get it over with. Instead I’m forced to bite on my lower lip and close my eyes as I feel it being peeled off little by little. I wait a couple seconds before opening my eyes again, regretting it instantly just by looking at his face. His usually pinkish face is now pale and his tongue is sticking out to the side as he concentrates on being careful. As I look down, I see the line of stitches surrounded by a small amount of dried blood.

      He pulls off what remains of that bandage and rubs the stitches slowly, trying to take off as much dried blood as possible. I can’t help but think he shouldn’t be here. I doubt it’s comfortable to be in the position he’s in. Hell if it’s this embarrassing for me, having him see me like this, I imagine how he feels about this as he keeps a blank expression on his face. He goes through the same steps as he moves over to my right hip, again coating its edges with as much soap as possible and continuing to peel it off faintly. While rubbing the right side of my hip he grabs a cup off the side of the shower and hands it to me.

      "Fill it with water." He says, not looking up as he massages my sides. I grab a hold of it and hold it up by my shoulder where the water is brushing it and keep the cup there till it’s about to over flow. I watch as he grabs it and slowly pours it over my wounds, making the water turn a scarlet color and clearing all the dried blood that was left. Putting the cup down and grabbing the soap, he meets my eyes and rolls the soap in his hand again.

      "Are you ready?" I can’t form words so I manage a nod the best I can, looking up and biting my lip. If the small bandages hurt, the one on my belly button is going to be much worse. I keep my eyes on the ceiling as I feel him rubbing the soap onto me. Just this part makes me squeeze my eyes shut. These stitches are different, not like my hip ones. These go as far as into my belly button, a huge cotton ball covering over it along with the bandage added on top and with the tape around it keeping it in place.

      The gasp escaping him causes my eyes to snap open and look down. Half way peeled off, the cotton ball is almost hanging out, showing off the insane amount of dried blood on it that’s almost black and around my stomach. I can feel the bile rise in my stomach as my hand covers my mouth. He’s still trying to peel it off when I back away from him. How does it not disgust him? He rises his head to look at me shaking mine from side to side, placing my free hand on his chest, slightly pushing him away.

      "Get out." I manage to get the word out through the massive ball in my throat.

      "What? No, I’m not gonna-"

      "Look at this!" I point down towards the water sliding down my body, the shade of Sangria red taking over the pool at my feet. It looks like a horror scene. "Why would you still want to be around me looking like this. God this is so disgusting." The tears are sliding down my face and I could feel the fury rising in me as I rip of the rest of the bandage off, not caring how much it hurts me. Yet, I’m so numb I don’t even feel it.

      "What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!" His eyes are almost bugging out of his face.

      "I’m taking it off, what does it look like, Josh!" My back is against the shower wall and my knees are about to give up on me.

      "It’s perfectly normal to look like that!" His fury is rising too, the veins popping out of his neck make me sure of that. Taking a deep breath he grabs me by the shoulder, trying to pull me close to him.

      "No..Get out. I don’t want you seeing me like this. All bloody and gross. I’m not even sure I can deal with this." Everything is unbearable. The stretchmarks covering my sides. My belly button and the dried blood mixing in with the water and running down my body, making the water darker than it already was.

      "What you want is different from what you need. As much as you don’t want me here, you need me. This is why I asked you to stay here. Cause you can’t do this alone. You put your guard up and push me away when you’re at your weakest. I’ve seen you at your best, so what kind of shitty bestfriend would I be if I walked away at your worst. If I left you alone to deal with your own thoughts you’d let them eat you alive. Push me away all you fucking want, I’m notgoing anywhere.”

      I stand there staring at him. His eyes intensely dark and the fact he’s out of breath after all the screaming. I wish I could say something, but unlike him, I’m not good with words. I feel my knees giving up as his words play on a loop in my head like a broken CD. I’m not going anywhere.

      My knees finally give in and I’m in his arms before I have enough time to make contact with the shower floor. He moves in the shower, sliding down the wall slowly with me. He scoots over and moves me closer to him till I’m placed on his lap as he rocks me back and forth lightly, the water washing over both of us, yet neither one caring. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and take slow steady breaths, calming myself down. Once I trust myself enough to speak I pull away and look up at him, his hazel eyes staring back down into mines.

      "You’re not going anywhere, right? Never?" I ask, almost like a childlike whisper.

      “Never.” He confirms brushing a stray hair behind my ear, leaning down and kissing away my tears. For the first time in what feels like forever, I let myself feel at complete ease.


	7. The Girl He Talks About

October 24, 2011

      I sit on the living room floor across the TV, skimming through the lower cabinet in search for some good movies to watch. Being this bored should be illegal. I can’t do anything physically fun so I figured a movie night would be better than nothing. I texted Desy as soon as I woke up this morning, telling her to come over so we could watch some movies. Now the only thing l have to do is ask Josh where in gods name are all the good movies. I put the cabinet back the way it was and head up to his room. Thinking he’s still asleep, I walk in without knocking. My decision is immediately regretted as I walk into a naked and very soaked Josh, too distracted drying his hair with a towel to notice my presence. 

      "Oh my god!" I feel like I’m frozen and as much as I want to turn away, I can’t.

      "Holy shit! What are you doing?" His cheeks flush pink and he brings the towel down to cover himself. That’s when I’m able to finally turn away and bring my hands up to cover my eyes. 

      "I just- oh my god I’m so sorry. I didn’t think you’d- I mean I-"  _Come on, brain. Work with me here._  “I just wanted to know where you had all the good movies because the ones downstairs kind of suck and I’m bored and I asked Desy to come over and watch movies but I couldn’t find any so I-“

      "First of all, breathe." He chuckles. "You’ve seen me naked before." I can hear him moving around but I refuse to uncover my eyes.

      "That was when we were seven and you were a lot smaller."

      "In what  _sense_?” I can almost hear the smirk in his voice.

      "Oh my god, I’ll just wait outside." I can hear his loud laugh as I walk downstairs. I pace around, trying to shake his naked image off. The small drops of water trickling down from his hair and down his chest. His back muscles flexing as he dried his hair with his towel. His pink cheeks when he realized I had rudely walked in on him. Then there’s his soft playful chuckle, practically bouncing around his words as he spoke. I should’t thinking this way. I mean, it’s my best friend. The one I’ve been inseparable from since second grade. The one I use to take bubble baths with and drown him in bubbles as he giggled and blew the bubbles in my direction. It isn’t until the door bell rings that I notice I’m smiling. Widely.

      "Good, you’re here." I say, opening the door and pulling her in.

      "Well, someone’s jumpy."

      Ignoring her comment I walk us both over to the sofa and I sit down, patting the spot next to mine while looking up at her. I let my mind go back to my old thoughts and wonder off into them. A few minutes of silence pass by before she snaps me back to reality.

      "You seem spaced out. What’s up?" She turns her body towards me, cocking her head slightly to the side in confusion.

      "I walked in on Josh naked." I mumble, barely audible.

      "You what?! Did you see anything? How was it?" She smiles like a kid on Christmas morning and her reaction makes me want to laugh, although I keep quiet and push her shoulder.

      "You’re an idiot."

      "I’m the idiot? If I would have walked in on  _the_  Josh Hutcherson I probably wouldn’t have been able to look away.” I raise my eyebrows at her and roll my eyes. I never thought of him as the ‘Famous movie star’. To me he was always that friend I had who I would hang out with and eat all his animal crackers. The only time I would have to realize that he was a movie star was when he would have to go away and I wouldn’t see him for months. I don’t have to worry about him going away for another three months. Although every time he leaves, I lose myself a little.

      "Hello?" She waves her hand close to my face, snapping me back to reality once again. "Wow, you’re really out of it today." The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs stop me from coming up with a response.

      "Hi ladies." He walks over to me and kisses my forehead, which is now a routine. There are no hugs or kisses on the cheek from him, it’s always on my forehead. The gesture sometimes tends to leave me speechless, no matter how many times he does it. He leans into Desy and gives her a soft kiss on the cheek, walking over to the empty spot next to me and throwing himself on it. His arms land over my shoulders and he looks over at us.

      "I called for pizza and Connor is still over at his friends house for the rest of the day. It’ll just be us three. So as we wait for the pizza, what movie do you guys wanna watch?" Before I can answer, Desy’s basically screaming her answer in my ear.

      "Fight Club!" Oh, here we go.

      "Are you serious? You’ve seen it so many times." I laugh as he rolls his eyes, irritated.

      "So? Come on! I pick the first movie, and you guys can pick the second and third, huh?" She looks over at both of us, her eyes pleading like a bored puppy who’s dying for you to play with it. I turn towards Josh and shrug, not caring what we watch as long as we watch something. He runs his hand through his hair,  what he usually does when he’s about to budge.

      "Fine, but we’re watching a horror film afterwards no matter what you guys say."

      Walking towards the movie room, he walks over to a shelf and scans through it. Oh, so that’s where all the movies worth watching were at. I watch as he skims through the movies, his tongue darting out the side of his mouth. His hair tousled and still slightly wet from the shower. His plain black shirt hugging every right place in his chest and back perfectly. I force myself to look away and walk over to my middle spot on the couch. Once the movie is on and we’re all sitting on the couch, I place my head on Desy’s lap and my legs over Josh’s. I feel completely relaxed as my sister runs her hands slowly through my hair and Josh’s fingers place trails along my bare legs. Not even an hour into the movie, I doze off.

      I’m in that state of sleep where I can hear everything around me, but I’m not entirely awake. The movie is still going on in the background and I can hear soft whispers coming from my sister and Josh. I keep my eyes shut and try my best to focus the whispers clearly.

      "Let it out, then." She says.

      "I remember seeing her and thinking she was like nothing I had ever seen before." He takes a deep breath before continuing. "She’s honestly the strongest person I’ve ever met. It was like no amount of time with her was ever enough." That’s when I know I’m not that girl. I’m no where near strong. A feeling of sudden disappointment rushes through me. At this point I think he’s talking about his co-star. Someone he’s worked with. He sounds like he always does when he’s talking sweetly about others in interviews. "There are so many things about her," I’m hanging on to his every word by now, listening intensely while trying to pretend I’m still completely asleep. "So many things that drive me crazy. Her gaze is captivating. Her slick attitude or the way she blushes when she’s embarrassed. The way her eyes sparkle. Her smile, Jesus, her smile." I bet she’s beautiful, that girl he talks about.

      I can’t help but feel that pang of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. Just thinking about all the girls it could be. It could be any of those famous girls he’s dated. They’re all insanely stunning. I remember being around while he dated this one girl. We would hang out and she would always hand me her camera, asking me to take pictures of them while they kissed.  _Being the third wheel had never sucked so much._

      I wait for him to continue talking about the girl, but the ring of the door bell prevents him from doing so. When he moves my legs from on top of him, I pretend to be woken up by it as he walks out the door. My sister eyes me as I sit up on my spot, looking no where but the huge screen in front of me. The silence ends when he get’s back.

      "Hey sleeping beauty, pizza's here." He says, taking his spot back on the couch while holding two boxes of pizza on his lap. I remain silent for the rest of the movie, answering to both of them in short sentences and keeping my eyes directly on the screen. Once they see I won’t change my three word responses, they both finally give up. Josh’s words play on a loop. I know Desy can tell my mind is drifting off to other places, completely ignoring the movie, but she doesn’t mention it. 

      After eight hours, a couple of movies, and endless junk food, it’s time for Desy to go. As I walk her to the door I’m still wrapped up in my thoughts. That ends when she pulls me outside after saying bye to Josh and closes the door behind us.

      "What the hell is on your mind? You’ve barely spoken since you woke up." I remain silent, not knowing how to respond. After a few seconds of just staring at one another, I whisper to her.

      "That girl he talks about, she must be something."

      "You heard that?" She straightens up a little while putting her hands in her pockets. All I do is nod while looking down at the floor, not being able to make eye contact.

      "You really  _are_  stupid. You suck at this don’t you?” Now I’m beyond confusion.

      "Suck at what, Desiree?" Her smarts in romance really piss me off.

      "How can you not see it?" Why can’t she just answer the question instead of asking another?

      "What the hell am I suppose to see?" I ask, crossing my arms.

      "What everybody else sees. Everyone but you. He was talking about  _you_ , brainless.”

      "No, he wasn’t. I’m no where near strong, my smile sucks and my eyes don’t sparkle,unless you haven’t noticed." I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.

      “ _They do when you’re around him_. You’re just too blind to see how crazy about you that kid is. How crazy about you he has been since he layed eyes on you.” She makes it sound so easy to believe, when it’s really not. Why would he be crazy about someone who is all scarred up and broken?

      "Why would someone like him want someone like me?" I ask in a hushed tone.

      “ _Because every ounce of beauty you fail to see in yourself, he sees perfectly clear_. It’s you, Jenny. It’s always been. You’re just too busy building a wall to keep everyone out, that you fail to realize how hard he’s fighting to climb over it.” I cringe at her words, hating how true they are. Yet, there’s a small part of me that feels relieved  when she speaks her next few words.

      "You’re that girl he talks about." 


	8. Confessions

October 25, 2011

      "Why can’t you just accept the way he obviously feels for you?" Desy asks.

      "I just really can’t picture anyone having a crush on me. I can’t imagine me being the person someone thinks about before falling asleep. I can’t picture someone telling their friends about me. I can’t picture me ever being the cause of someone elses butterflies. I can’t even picture someone smiling when they think of me. I mean, I’m nothing special."

      The silence sinks in before I suddenly hear his voice. “You’re wrong.” He whispers.

      I turn around quick enough to see him standing by the door frame of the kitchen. Not waiting for a response, he takes a short look at me and walks away looking down at the floor. I stand with my feet glued to the floor as I look back my sister. She shrugs at me, eyes wide and not knowing what to do or say either.

      "When did he even get back?" I whisper to her bewildered. If I had known he’d be home, I wouldn’t have been on this subject. Especially not here in the middle of the kitchen, which seemed to be Desy’s favorite place in the house.

      "Beats me." She shrugs again and shifts uncomfortably. 

      "How much do you think he heard?"

      "Maybe just the last part. Or maybe all of it."

      "Thanks. You’re so much help." I give her a thumbs up while rolling my eyes.

      "I get that a lot." 

      "What should I do?"

      "You should go talk to him."

      "And say what?"

      "Anything and everything. Tell him how you’ve been feeling, how he makes you feel, or just anything in general you wanna tell him. If there was ever a time, it’s now. So go, if you need me I’ll be here, raiding the fridge." She shoves me out before I could speak. I can feel my palms growing sweaty as I walk up the stairs, towards his room. I knock lightly before opening the door just enough for me to poke my head through it. Laying down with both hands behind his head, he props himself up on his elbows and looks at me questioningly.

      "Can I come in?" It’s almost embarrassing how little I sound.

      "I guess so, sure." He scoots over on his bed, making room for me to sit on but his eyes never leaving mine. I sit down silently, looking down and playing with my fingers not knowing what to say first. Before I can think of anything worth saying, the words are spilling.

      "You can’t like me. I’m weird and I annoy you sometimes." I can feel him tense up next to me, but he reaches out and lifts my chin to meet my eyes once again.

      "What makes you think I don’t like that?" 

      "Why would you? Why would you want someone who is so broken and imperfect, when you could do so much better." It’s silent as he moves closer to me, bringing my face into both of his hands, inching his face closer to mine. My breath comes to a stop at the lack of space between both our faces. I’m sure he can feel the way my heart’s beating against my skin. His breathing is even and his sweet scent is driving me crazy. He touches his forehead with mine, our noses brushing against each other and our lips incredibly close.

      "Tell me," He breaths against my skin faintly. "Tell me you don’t want to be with me, and we can pretend that we never had this conversation and that the lack of space isn’t making us both go insane. Just tell me that and that’s it." It’s like being trapped under a spell and not being able to form words properly. All I can focus on is how close our lips are. How much I want to find out what his feel like. How badly I just want to tip my head a little higher and kiss him. His thumb brushes against my cheek and I stare into his eyes wordlessly.

      "I can’t tell you I don’t want that." It’s barely audible, but he hears it. The soft smile threatning to grow on his lips makes me sure of that. Suddenly, his hands leave the sides of my face and he moves back. Instantly, I miss the warmth of his closeness. Instead of letting that show, I look at him quietly.

      "So what do you want, then?"  He asks, his lips forming a thin straight line as he raises his eyebrow slightly. Oh god what do I want. I want so many things, where would I even start.

      "I want to not be scared of loving you. I want to not have to hide my feelings around you." I take one look down and look back up at him, his eyes darker than I’ve ever seen them. I get closer to him, hovering over his lap with my legs on his sides and grabbing a hold of his face like he did with mine. He tenses once again but I pay no mind. Instead, I lean closer as the following words spill from my lips, whispering to him. "I want to be the person you look for in a crowded room. I want to be the one who makes your bad days feel like they are no big deal. I want to be the one you talk about in all those stupid interviews. I want to be the one who gives you strength, just like you do to me. I want to be the reason your cheeks flush pink." I brush the back of my fingers across his jaw. "I’m scared. I’m scared because you mean more to me than anything and anyone else, Josh. I just want to be able to let go, and not be scared anymore."  I feel his hands wrap around my waist and pull me closer to him, making our foreheads connect once again. "What do you want?"

      "It’s simple, really." He runs his hand through my hair softly as his other stays firmly on my waist. "I want to wake up next to you. I want to watch movies and hold you as close to me as possible. I want to give you the world. I want to be the person you think of and smile subconciously. I want to take short naps with you cuddled up in my arms. I want to be with you from sunrise to sunset daily, because no amount of time I spend with you ever seems to be enough. I want to be able to cook for you and kiss you in the rain. I want to kiss you good morning and good night. Actually, I want to kiss you for no apparent reason. I want to show you how beautiful you really are. I just want you," He pauses to kiss my cheek softly. "to be mine."

       My heart is having its own drum solo. I don't think I've ever felt it beat the way it is now. I run my fingers through his hair in the comfortable silence. Putting my hand on his chest, I can feel his heart racing just as fast as mine. I'm no longer able to hide the silly smile off my face.

      He moves his hand up to cup my cheek, smiling from ear to ear as he caresses my face in his hand. He pulls me lower so that I'm no longer hovering over him, and he inches closer to me. I stay still as he lips brush against the skin of my cheeks, my forehead, and then my nose. I study him as he pauses, not sure of what to do next. Not knowing if he should act on his thoughts, but I've caught on and I know what he's hesitating to do. My heartbeat accelerates as I move closer, lifting his chin with my index finger. I come to a stop when our noses are touching and our lips slightly tempting the other. Deciding I can't take it anymore, I close the gap between us.  
      His lips are utterly soft and his taste is unbelievably intoxicating. His grip on my waist tightens and he pulls me as close to him as possible. No kiss has ever felt this amazing. He tastes sweet, like cinnamon. He tastes perfect.


	9. Understand

October 30, 2011

      When something life changing happens, everyone around pretends to understand what it's like. The people that have never had a problem in their life will say it's no big deal. The people who have experienced some other tough situations will say that you'll get over it. Your friends will say that everything is okay. Everyone will act like they understand. Like they know exactly what someone going through, but it's bullshit. They'll never truly understand until they've been in the same situation.  
Every time someone has comes over to visit me in the past five days, they sit and tell me how they know exactly what I'm going through. I try my best to keep back the sarcastic laugh threatening to burst in their face. No, you don't understand. That big ass smile on your face proves to me that you don't. The more people that come to visit, the more I want to run and hide under a rock. It dawns on me that people only care about you once you're hurt, dead, or famous.  
      When the last guest walks out the door, I turn to Josh with my hands tangled in my hair, threatening to pull. I can feel the warmth flood my face and the tears swelling in my eyes, ready to spill. I hold my hand out to him making him freeze on his spot and I take a deep breath.  
      "If one more person," I pause, swallowing the lump in my throat. "If one more fucking person tells me It's gonna be okay, I will punch them in the throat." Right when the tears start to fall, I'm being pulled into his arms. He nuzzles his face into my neck and takes a deep breath.  
      "Baby.." He takes a deep breath before pulling away and taking my face in his hands. "I'm not going to tell you I understand, because I'll never understand what you're going through, but I'll try to. I'm not going to tell you it's okay either, cause I know how much you hate it, but you are going to get through this. I know you, it's difficult now but it can't be like this forever. I know you're going to get through this, because you won't have to do it alone, okay?" I nod and tilt my head up, kissing him softly.  
      "Can you take me to see Desy?"  
      "Yeah, sure. Go wait for me in the car." He hands me his keys and runs up the stairs.I walk out and towards the silver Jeep, unlocking it and sitting patiently in the passengers seat. Taking out my phone, I let my sister know I'm going over. I haven't been out since my surgery. I feel trapped if I don't go outside for more than a week. I put the key in the ignition and smile at the sound of the engine coming to life. I watch as Josh steps out of the house, changed into his grey skinnies, black vans and his plain black shirt covered by his black leather jacket. It's impossible not to stare at him as he gets into his car.  
      "What? Should I change again?" I laugh at the sudden insecurity in his voice.  
      "No, you look perfect." He smiles, grabbing my hand and bringing it up to his lips, planting a kiss on my knuckles and intertwining our fingers as he grabs the wheel with his left hand.

***

  
      "Where's Josh?" Desy asks, walking me to her room.   
      "He had to go see Connor. He's been staying at his friend house for a couple of days. That and he had to do some other things. I didn't ask." I respond, shrugging as she pulls me towards the large couch on the right side of her room.  
      "What's wrong?" Concern fills her features as we sit on the couch in her room.  
      "I came because I feel like I'm going to lose it. I didn't want him to see me like this so I figured I'd come here." I take a deep breath and try to calm myself.  
      "Why? What happened?"  
      "I'm just so sick of everyone. I'm so sick of everyone always making me feel like I'm not going through anything. That none of this shit is a big deal and that everything is going to be okay. Like if they actually know the hell I go through every time I look at myself in the mirror. Like if they know how many times I cry myself to sleep thinking about my reflection. Like if they know everything when in reality they don't know shit. I hate that. I hate how someone can have the balls to go over and see me and smile at me while telling me everything is going to be okay. Telling me I'll eventually get over it. This isn't a fucking break up. It's bigger than that." I can feel my hands shaking so I decide to get up from the couch and pace around.   
      "I'm fucking sick of everyone swearing they understand. When people come to see me and tell me all this shit they think matters to me I can't help but have a thousand questions running through my head directed at them when they tell me everything is peachy. Have you had to sit in a hospital room while they examined every fucking part of you? Have you had to sit and hear the doctors telling you that you have a tumor that's making your ovary twenty -not five or six- TWENTY fucking times bigger than it should be? No, you haven't. I had to sit and act like I wasn't about to collapse when I heard that there was a slight possibility I might not even be able to have kids. I had to sit there and take it like it didn't mean much when it meant a shitload. Have you had to go through surgery and lay motionless in a room with needles and machines attached to you? No. Have you had to go through all this bullshit without your parents by you, because they're too busy working? No. The only fucking person that has been with me and had to see me laying unconscious in a white hospital room is Joshua. He's the only one close to understanding the hell I've walked through."  
      I can feel my blood boiling as the anger in me pours out. At this point I'm not even sure I'm talking to Desy. I'm just letting all my unspoken thoughts out now that I finally can. Everything I've held in. My hands are shaking and I feel like I just want to hit something, but I hold myself back.  
      "Another thing is how everyone just suddenly gives a shit about me. How they act like they care when they've never shown they did. It makes my blood boil when I have to stay still while I'm being hugged, being told all these sweet nothings right before they leave. I'm sick of being told I'm fine. Who the hell are you to tell me how I am? No, I'm not fine. I'm no fucking where near fine. I walk through Josh's house sometimes and I just wanna rip every mirror from the wall and throw it away." I pause and run my hand through my hair. I can feel the lump starting to form in my throat and my heart beat is slightly accelerating. I take another deep breath as I look at my sister, frozen in place and hanging on to my every word.  
      "I hate being told I'm beautiful. Every compliment feels like I'm being lied to. Everytime someone tells me I'm perfect I just want to hide. Every time someone tells me how beautiful I am I just want to hide. How would you know I'm beautiful if you haven't fully seen me. You don't see what I see when I look in the mirror. Really? I'm beautiful, right?"  
      Before my mind registers my actions, I'm taking off my clothes. One layer of clothing at a time and I don't care about anything at this point. I want her to see. I tear off everything until I'm left in my bra and my underwear. I look at Desy's shocked expression and continue to speak, pointing at all the stretch marks surrounding my waist. The ones that have gotten darker shades of pink and red.  
      "Look at this!" I'm pointing out every single mark and scar I have, from the scars to the stitches of the surgery, focusing more on all the marks around me. I point at my arms that are now wearing stretch marks a very light shade but are still noticeable. I point at the ones on the back of my legs and on the side of my thighs. I go over each and everyone of them, feeling the tears fall from my face and land into my skin with a petite splash. I run my hands around my sides, looking down at the marks that have gotten much worse since I took off my bandages. Lastly, I run my hands over the top of my breasts, that are now also wearing peach colored stretch marks and I look back up at my sister.  
      "I dare you to tell me I'm beautiful now. Go ahead, lie to me. I dare you!" My sobs are causing my chest to rise and fall shakily. I collapse on the floor with my hand gripping my hair. She runs over to me and hugs me, wiping the tears from my face but it's useless.  
      "I get it. Stop it, please. I get it."  
      "No, you don't get it. Your body is perfect and guys drool on the ground you walk on. You don't fucking get it either." She pulls away from me with a straight face and starts to take off her shorts. "What are you doing?" My sobs come to a stop due to my confusion and I feel myself gasp as her shorts touch the floor and she stands right in-front of me.  
      My sisters' perfectly tan and smooth skin is no longer as I remember it. Now, there are white traces of faded cuts surrounding it. I raise my hand to trace them softly and I look up at her bewildered as she gets on her knees besides me.  
      "No, our bodies aren't perfect. Every scar has a story. Your marks all have one amazing story. It's okay to not be okay. I know you've been through a lot, but everything will get better. Even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it, it will. You're the strongest person I know, so I know you'll get through this. You have me and Josh. Okay? You always will." I pull her into my arms wordlessly and hug her like it's the last time I'll be able to.


	10. Wanted

November , 2011

      Every little girl looks at her teddy bear as something to take care of her through the darkest of nights. A teddy bear offers comfort even in the worst situations. When I was a kid, the only thing able to pull me out of my temper tantrums and dry my tears was my teddybear. At night, I'd fall asleep hugging it tightly against my chest in hopes of it protecting me from any dark nightmares I might face. I'd fall asleep feeling calm and protected.  
      That's exactly what I feel like waking up next to Josh. Calm and protected. I no longer wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. Instead, I find myself sleeping soundly until the sun rises the next day. Eventually it's the rising and falling of his chest that wakes me. His soft breath escaping his lips and tickling my forehead. This was still new to me, although I wouldn't mind getting used to waking up to this unexplainable feeling. After all, who would have known that the guy that's been my best friend for as long as I can remember, would be the same guy to chase away my constant nightmares.  
      I scoot closer to him and place my palm on his bare chest. I trace small circles around his chest as it rises and falls with his every breath. I'm caught by surprise as he suddenly turns on his side to face me and pulls me as close to him as possible as he nuzzles his face under my neck. I can feel him smiling against my neck, causing a smile to form on my lips as well.  
      "Good morning." I whisper.  
      "Wanna know something?" His breath causes a small chill run through me as I nod slowly. "My dreams are no longer better than reality." His words hang perfectly in the air as he places sweet kisses down my neck.  
      "How do you do that?" I question him, staring at the ceiling above us. He lifts his head to meet my eyes and raises his eyebrow curiously.

      "Do what?"

      "Always know exactly what to say."  
      "I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's always been easy for me to get what I feel and just put it into words. Sometimes it's hard to do with you, though."  
Now it's my turn to raise my eyebrow at him as I sit up and look down at his sleepy eyes. He takes a deep breath and lands his head back on the pillow with his hands behind his head. "Why?"  
      "I don't really know. It's like I can try for hours to say how I feel about you and I can never really explain it. Every time I try it never seems to make sense. I remember people asking me about you and I could never really explain how I felt about you. I mean, yeah you were my best friend but there was always more and I could never come up with the right words to put together."  
His eyes are closed, but his features are tense. It's almost like he's trying to come up with the perfect words to put together, though he's already spoken them. I climb out of the covers and sit lightly over his torso, studying him as his eyes widen in surprise. I lay my upper body down on his and place my head on his chest, smiling as his heartbeat quickens.  
      "I love listening to the sound of your heartbeat." His soft chuckles cause his chest to shake. I feel myself relaxing when his fingers trail up and down my back. I start leaving small feathery kisses starting at his chest and work, pausing at the spot on the left side of his face between his jaw and his neck. I let my lips linger until his body nervously shifts beneath me and his hands move to my hips, gripping on to them. I giggle slightly, enjoying the effect I tend to have on him whenever my lips make contact with his skin. I continue leaving a trail of kisses along his jaw until my lips finally meet his. Something in me clicks and I lightly grab by the nape of his neck and pulling him up softly to a sitting position, my lips never leaving his. A soft moan escapes my lips, followed by groan from low in his throat making the kiss even more intense, our tongues slowly dancing with the other. I've just started grabbing on to the hair on the back of his neck when the door swings open.  
      "Guess who's ba- Holy shit!" Before I can even turn around the door is slammed shut but Connor stands outside, his giggles clearly audible. I sigh as I put my forehead against Josh's, closing my eyes. "Well, finally! Sorry guys, I swear I didn't know. Josh! You have a lot to tell me! I was gone for like maybe two weeks. How much did I miss, man?"  
      "Oh my god, go away. I'll talk to you later." He tries to keep a straight face yet fails when he breaks out in laughter.  
      "Alright, alright. I see you missed me, too." His footsteps fade away, leaving us in our previous position with a smile plastered on our faces. He lifts his chin to place a quick kiss on my lips.  
      "Sorry, I forgot he was coming back today." I lean down and kiss him again, not bothering to hide the smile on my face or the blush on my cheeks as he rubs his thumb across it.  
      When we're dressed and decent, we make our way down the stairs where the Tv sounds throughout the house. I take my chance to run up to the back of the couch Connor's sitting at and hug him tightly. "I missed you! God it was so quiet without you." He laughs and turns to Josh, looking at us from the stairs as he walks over and jumps on the couch, grabbing his brother and tousling his hair. I stand back a watch the scene before me, smiling at their big smiles and hint of pink covering their cheeks. I make my way over to the other side of Connor, sitting back as he asks questions and Josh fills him in on everything he missed.

***

      After a couple hours of us three watching movies, Josh's phone buzzes loudly on the coffee table besides the couch and he reaches over to grab it, speaking quickly. A smile appears on his face as he hangs up and looks towards Conner and I on the couch.  
      "You guys up for a party?"  
      "Depends?" Connor raises his eyebrows as he speaks.  
      "Jessica's having a last minute party. You know she throws good parties." Connor nods, but he lost me after he said her name. The tall, blonde, snotty model who's always had a thing for worshiping the ground Josh walks on. Last place I would want to be in is in a rowdy party full of pretty girls dragging their hands all over every inch of skin of his they could touch. Noticing my inner conflict, he moves closer to me and lifts my chin with his finger. I pull away, talking about how I would rather not be somewhere that everyone drools over him. Yet, after about two hours, he has me convinced and dressed. I eye myself in the mirror, wearing a slim black one shoulder dress which makes me look thinner than I really am. My hair is in a high pony tail and a necklace hugs my neck with a small persian green pendant my mother gave me when I was fifteen landing right in between my collarbone.  
      "What time is it, Josh?" I ask, clearly annoyed I gave into his stupid puppy face while begging me to go to this party.  
      "Almost seven." He's practically beaming as he throws on his plain white shirt and places his anchor chain on.  
      "I hope you know I'm not staying long." I place my hand on the top of the door frame as he pulls on his oxford blue faded jeans. When he's done with buttoning his pants, he walks over to me, wrapping me up in his arms and peppering my face with playful kisses.  
      "I know, I know. Thanks for agreeing to this, I'll make it up to you, baby. I promise."

***

      The colorful lights flash all throughout the huge backyard, engulfing every corner full of dancing people. The smoke coming out of the machines cause my vision to blur and I can only focus on the black shape of people dancing and fist pumping as the lights add the extra touch. The song changes to a slow song and all the fist pumping stops as everyone gets together with a partner for the song. I can feel Josh's hands slide around my waist as he pulls me against his back and places his chin on my shoulder, swaying me from side to side. I reach my right hand back and place it on the low of his neck, pulling him closer and closer to me until my back side is flushed against his front as I continue swaying my hips from side to side against him, losing myself in the feeling of him.  
      I feel goosebumps start to rise when he starts placing kisses on the side of my neck, letting his lips linger with each kiss. When the song changes again, I turn slowly and wrap my hands around him, letting him do the same. We stand there for a while, not paying attention to anything else. I spot Connor at a far corner, sitting with a small group as they all laugh along with each other and dance to the music. I don't notice the song has changed again until Josh turns my face towards his.  
      "Remember what I said about never being able to put how I feel perfectly into words when it comes to you?" He questions and I nod, letting him continue. "Well, this song is as close as it gets." He places a long kiss to my lips before pulling me close to him and placing my arms over his neck and taking the same position we did the day of his birthday. I let his words sink in as I pay close attention to the lyrics of the song, desperate to find out what he meant.

_You know I'd fall apart without you_

_I don't know how you do what you do_

_'Cause everything that don't make sense about me_

_Makes sense when I'm with you_

_Like everything that's green, girl I need you_

_But it's more than one and one makes two_

_Put aside the math and the logic of it_

_You gotta know you're wanted too_

      I smile up at him, touching my forehead to his.

 

_'Cause I wanna wrap you up_

_Wanna kiss your lips_

_I wanna make you feel wanted_

_And I wanna call you mine_

_Wanna hold your hand forever_

_Never let you forget it_

_Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted_

_Anyone can tell you you're pretty_

_You get that all the time, I know you do_

_But your beauty's deeper than the makeup_

_And I wanna show you what I see tonight_

      It takes me a while to realize that he's singing to me, with a soft smile spreading across his face.

 

_When I wrap you up_

_When I kiss your lips_

_I wanna make you feel wanted_

_And I wanna call you mine_

_Wanna hold your hand forever_

_Never let you forget it_

_Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted_

 

_As good as you make me feel_

_I wanna make you feel better_

_Better than your fairy tales_

_Better than your best dreams_

_You're more than everything I need_

_You're all I ever wanted_

_All I ever wanted_

      "Josh?" I look up slowly, looking at his confused face as I continue. "Why me?"  
      "Because, I love every little thing about you. I love everything you fail to see in yourself." I stare into his eyes intensely, counting the colors and melting into him. His lips move once again to the lyrics of the song and I feel my eyes tearing up when he kisses my forehead before going back to singing.

 

_And I just wanna wrap you up_

_Wanna kiss your lips_

_I wanna make you feel wanted_

_And I wanna call you mine_

_Wanna hold your hand forever_

_Never let you forget it_

_Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted_

_'Cause you'll always be wanted_

      There's nothing more that I want than to freeze this moment and stay in his arms, because for the first time in my life, I not only feel wanted, I actually feel cared for.

 

 


	11. Perfect To Me

November 2, 2011

        I always loved the idea of having a boy best friend. I loved the idea of having someone to run to who won't stab me in the back and walk away feeling good about themselves. I wanted someone to lean on when I no longer felt like trying. One of the best things about having a guy for a best friend is having someone to run to when you're broken-hearted. Someone who will let you cry on their shoulders and watch sappy chick flicks while you sit back and eat your feelings. Someone to pick you back up once you've hit the ground.  
        That makes me wonder, at what point exactly did our feelings for each other change. I stare up at the ceilings as I lay back on the ground of my room. My laptop sits beside me blasting music on shuffle. I place my hands behind my head and continue to wonder. Thoughts run throughout my mind as I play back the past twelve years of friendship with Josh. I put aside certain memories where it was almost obvious that there was something there.  
        A loud crash causes my eyes to snap open and I immediately sit up. "Aw, crap." A smile forms on my lips as I hear him slightly cursing under his breath. I lean back against my bed, waiting for him to open the door to my room. The door knob turns slowly and he innocently peaks his head into the room, his face flushed red.  
        "Couldn't stay away now, could you?" I tease him, holding back the laughter begging to escape me. He walks in and shrugs, sitting down near me and laying back as he places his head on my thighs. I instinctively tangle my fingers in his hair.  
        "I broke your vase." He smirks playfuly as he looks up, examining my reaction. When I shrug, he continues talking. "What were you thinking about?" I raise my eyebrows at him and my fingers stop moving around his locks. "The music is blasting and you were on the floor. You do that when you're thinking about something. So, spit it."  
        Sometimes I wonder what he doesn't know about me, I can never come up with something. "I was thinking about us." He cocks his head to the side, looking up at me, confused. "Nothing bad, just thinking about when everything changed. A moment where I might have started to feel something more than friendship for you. I can't point out a specific one. Can you?" I watched as his face hardened and he lost himself in thought.  
I zone out for a couple minutes before I hear him speak again. "The day at the hospital."  
        "Which? Why?" I ask.  
        "After the surgery. When they placed you in a separate room and told me I could go see you. I thought I could deal with it, so I just walked in. I froze on the spot, though. Watching you laying down, unconscious in a huge white room, surrounded by machines and all kinds of shit stuck to you. It struck me more than I thought it would. Everything went fine, I know that, but I couldn't help thinking about if something had happened to you. I cried at first, when waiting for you to wake up became too much. The way you looked at me when you finally woke up." He pauses, takes a deep breath and continues to speak. "That's when I realized I'd fall apart without you."  
        I continue to run my fingers through his hair as I smile down at him, leaning down and placing a soft kiss to his lips. I lie my head back and continue trying to figure out a certain moment where my feelings changed into something more than friendly. Memories flood my head. It's hard to think of a time when I wasn't around Josh in the past couple of years. It seems everything I did, he was always standing next to me.  
        I pause, stuck on one moment back when we were sixteen. Right after he had gotten cheated on and broken up with. I remember his attitude changing towards everything and everyone. He stopped being the sweet, positive kid he always was and only focused on the bad things. He would lock himself in his room with the music on while he ignored his surroundings and everyone he knew. Until the day I showed up at his house.  
        "I remember now," I blurt out, noticing he's half a second away from falling sleep on my lap. Alerted, he looks up at me, waiting to continue. Instead of just putting the story in a short sentence, I begin to talk about it.

  
*******   


        I watched as the rain poured outside my window, clutching my phone in my hand and hoping that he would actually talk to me instead of pushing me out the way he's being doing lately. When it gets to be too unbearable, I throw my phone back on the bed and throw on a hoodie as I make my way downstairs and into my mother's car. I sneak out soundlessly and make my way towards Josh's house. Not caring if it's raining or the fact that it's close to two in the morning.  
I stare into his open window, being soaked by rain in the process. I decide to avoid waking anyone up, so I climb silently up the ladder on the side of the house that leads perfectly into his room. I stop at the top, trying my best to catch my breath. Walking 'cautiously into his room, I freeze in my tracks as he turns suddenly to face me.  
        "Are you crazy? What do you think you're doing?" His eyes are dark and hard as they look into mines.  
        "I'm trying to talk to you, but it's hard when all you do is ignore me." He runs his hand through his hair in frustration and walks over to his nightstand, taking out a big white shirt and grey shorts and tossing them at me. Without another word, I walk into his bathroom and change out of my wet clothes. I feel the goosebumps spreading through me when his warm clothes replace my soaked jacket and jeans. I grab my hair and put it into a pony tail as I walk back into his room, his attention to a group of crumbled pieces of paper in-front of him. I watch silently as he grabs one and faces the garbage can by the door.  
        He takes one look at me before aiming the crumbled ball. "Life is so.." He closes his eyes as he shoots, making it perfectly into the basket. "Meaningless. Garbage." I walk over to the bed and sit faintly on the corner, looking over at him.  
        "No, it's not. Please don't get like that." I reach over to grab his hand and flinch when he pulls away, aiming another ball of paper to the garbage.  
        "Tell me why it isn't. Go ahead. I know you can't." I watch as he rolls his eyes and shoots. I'm taken back by his response, so I sit there motionless. No good response seems to come to me, so I speak the first thing that comes to mind.

        "Everyone's life has a purpose." He laughs at this, sarcasm pouring out of his parted lips. I fight the urge to get up and walk away, instead I stay seated where I am and swallow the tears threatening to spill out of pure anger towards him. He leans back and moves all the crumbled papers to the side.  
        "Ha. What a bad one. I'm going to go to sleep and give you some time to come up with something better to say, because that was such a bullshit answer, Jenny."  
        "I know it is, what the fuck do you want me to say?" I throw my hands up to my side, not bothering to hide how irritated he's making me. I suddenly have a small question to ask, not knowing if I'll like the answer. I take a deep breath and speak slowly. "If you had one small pill that would end your life in a second, painlessly, would you take it?"  
        "Okay, I'm gonna stay up and argue about this 'cause that's how much of an ass I am, and no, I wouldn't. That doesn't mean I have a purpose."  
        "Why wouldn't you take it?"  
        "Death isn't the answer, nor will it ever be. As long as I'm alive, I could do what I want. Why would I wanna die? Not that I'm gonna achieve what I want, but I could try.. and fail, of course." Oh, there's the negativity I hate so much.  
        "Okay, I just wanted to know the answer. You say life is meaningless and yeah it has it's shitty moments, but you're not doing shit to change that. You're pushing away all the people you should be keeping close. Don't push me away, you know once that's done, you'll need a miracle to pull me back in. You're not doing anything by complaining and locking yourself in your room thinking endlessly about someone who's not even worth your time. If you think that way about life, then do something to change it. Make it what you want it to be and then maybe you'll change your mind. Try to get to where you want to get in life. Stop thinking about failing and start thinking about reaching a point in life where you'll be truly happy." I'm babbling on to a point where I'm almost out of breath.  
        "You make valid points but what I said still stands. There is no purpose, there is no goal and there is no eternity. It's just a beginning and an end. You live and you die. Whatever you achieved doesn't matter, it doesn't separate you from the rest. In the end you'll be forgotten anyways, that's just how it is." He shrugs and sits up, leaning against the headboard of his bed.  
        "If everyone thought like that, nobody would make a change. There is more to life than a beginning and an end. Life gives you a chance to make a difference, whether it's big or small. A lot of people we still talk about today have reached their end, yet they're still remembered for what they did while they lived." At this point I'm saying whatever I can to be able to get through him, but it seems impossible.  
        "Who says we need to impact society? Who says we need to make a difference? What makes a single being so special from the rest? 'I invented something amazing.' Okay.. you'll die eventually and someone else will make a better version of whatever you did. They'll be forgotten regardless." This is no longer about heartbreak. This is no longer about being alone and broken because of someone else's doing. It's beyond that. I just don't know what it is.  
        "Why are you like that about everything now?" I try to reach for his hand again, but he places them behind his head before my skin even has time to make contact with his. "You always look at the bad side of everything but never seem to give the good side a chance."  
        "Because everything has a bad side. So why have hope." This conversation isn't getting any better anytime soon.  
        "Why not have it? You had hope. What happened to it? You got rid of it because you always thing that everything is too good to be true."  
He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes again. "Hope is also meaningless." There goes the small amount of patience I was holding on to. I stand up and cross my hands over my chest.  
        "Why is everything fucking meaningless to you, now?" He stays quiet, not bothering to meet my eyes. "What means something to you?" When he stays quiet, I sit closer to him on the bed and grab the collar of his shirt, forcing him to look at me. "What means something.." I  
pause, feeling my heart thumping on my forehead. "to you."  
        He takes a deep breath, his eyes tearing up. "The little moments in life where I'm not worthless." Bingo. That's what this is about. "My friends, my family, I can never see anything like I used to. What goes up must come down, I can't be happy for too long before I'm sad again. It's a loop I'll never be able to escape."  
I take his face in my hands as a small tears slips out and down his left cheek."You're never worthless." I frown, wiping his tear away with my thumb. "Anything you love is good. Anything that makes you smile is good. Yes we laugh and we somehow always end up crying, but if you think about it, the good times wouldn't mean as much without the bad times. It's the bad times that make us treasure the good ones." I feel my own eyes watering as another tear escapes him.  
"I just want to sleep. I love you, Jenny." I stand up, allowing him to get under the covers as I grab my wet clothes and make my way towards the door. With my hand on the door knob, I turn back to him.  
        "You're one of the most amazing people I know, and you mean everything to me. Don't ever feel worthless. You're not." He pokes his head out from under the covers and smiles through his tears at me.  
        "I owe you my life, you know that? You're a key part of it." I walk back over to him, kissing his forehead.  
        "Same here." And with that, I go back home.

*******

        "I remember after you left, I didn't feel so low anymore. I thought if someone actually cared for me, then maybe the good side was worth giving a shot." He smiles up at me, kissing me once again.  
        It's amazing how it takes someone so long to realize the person they're looking for is the one that's there to pull them out of the darkness, and into the brightness.


	12. Changes

November 8, 2011

      Us girls are picky about pretty much everything when it comes to our body. We study every inch of it, from our face, our shoulders, our thighs, our legs, and especially our stomachs. We can spend hours ranting about our bodies. There are very few moments in life where we feel truly beautiful. I had one of those moments on my fifteenth birthday. Yet, there are also moments in which we feel utterly hideous. I’m going through one of those, today.

      My eyes stay locked on my waist. My favorite jeans no longer fitting me like they used to. Actually, nothing fits me the way it used to. I move my hands up to where the fat in my jeans pops out. Tears trickle down my face as I sob silently, gripping on to my sides as if that would make the muffin tops go away. I make out movement downstairs and still myself, not bothering to cover my face or hide my tears. He walks in with a smile on his face, but it drops as soon as his eyes find mines. I keep facing the mirror, looking at him blankly through it.  He doesn’t need to speak in order for me to read his mind.

      "I can’t remember the last time I looked at my reflection and wasn’t repulsed by what I saw." I breathe in deeply, trying to still my tears long enough for me to talk. "I honestly don’t even remember what my old skin looked like. What it looked like without all these marks and scars taking over it. There’s not one thing I can look in the mirror and like." He watches me carefully, not taking another step towards me. "I just feel so hideous..all the time."

      He walks towards me, pulling me into his arms softly. “You can let it out, now.”

      So I do. I cry until his shirt is soaked and I’ve run out of tears. For now.

      "It’s not your fault."  I look up at him confusedly. "You talk about everything like if you could have helped it. But you couldn’t. You didn’t ask to have a tumor that would lead to surgery. You didn’t ask to gain weight. You didn’t ask for all the  marks and changes that you’ve gone through. But it happens, and it will get better. Once you hit the bottom, there’s no other way to go but up."

***

      I stare at the white walls before me that never fail to make me feel uneasy. I’m aware of Josh intertwining our fingers and rubbing his thumb along the side of my hand. It’s been a month since the surgery, which unfortunately means: Doctors Appointment. I place my free hand on the cold metal of my chair and tap my fingers impatiently until the nurse walks in. She leads me to the patients bed and walks over to the desk of supplies, slowly taking out a box with a single needle.

      "Woah there, can’t I just pee in a cup or something?" I ask her hopefully.

      "We’re actually doing both, blood exam and urine, so if you don’t mind, please roll up your sleeve." Her sassy attitude is no match for mine, but this time, I decide to let it go and I do as I’m told. I face the opposite direction and shut my eyes tightly as I feel the strong sting on my upper arm.  When she finishes, she places the cotton ball on my arm which soaks up any blood escaping the small hole left from the needle. She puts tape over it as she stands me up and leads me over to weigh myself. I would have looked to see how much I weighed, if it wasn’t one of those hospital scales that I had no idea how to use properly. I step down once I’m told and walk back over to the chair when the nurse excuses herself.

      When the doctor walks in, he hands me a hospital gown and points at a room for me to change in. I walk in slowly, and lock the door behind me. Taking a long stare into the mirror, I take a deep breath and start to slowly undress myself. As I remove my shirt, I’m left staring at all the marks in all shades of pink surrounding my sides. Deciding to keep my bra on, I unbutton my jeans and pull them down, gently folding them along with my blouse. It seems blouses are all I wear, I’ve gotten rid of anything tight, considering anything and everything that hugs my skin makes me look utterly gross. 

      I hug my clothes tight to my chest as I walk back into the room. I look over at Josh who’s sitting with his elbows on his knees and his face covered by his hands as his foot taps at a fast pace. Placing my clothes on the chair beside him, I put my hand on his shoulder and as he looks up, I lean over and kiss his forehead. I look over to the doctor who is staring intently to a folder I assume is mine. His eyebrows are narrowed as he writes down notes rapidly. 

      When he puts his pen down, he walks over to me and lays me back down on the stiff bed. He lifts my gown slowly and examines every inch of my body that isn’t bare. When I start to feel insecure I close my eyes and bite down on my lip until I feel the gown being moved back down. He moves back to his chair and signals for me to sit back up. With a couple more notes, he turns to look at me, his lips forming a thin straight line. 

      "It appears this past month you’ve actually gained ten pounds. You’re now at one hundred and ninety-five pounds." I feel my stomach drop lightly.

      "Isn’t it suppose to be the opposite? Losing weight instead of gaining it?" I ask.

      I’ve noticed doctors tend to have a way of letting someone know when there are good or bad news. When there are bad news, they’re too quiet and it looks as if they’re having an inner conflict with themselves. If it’s good news, they simply smile and just let it out. I know it’s bad for two reasons. One, he’s been quiet since he’s had the folder. Two, he hasn’t looked me in the eye once.

      "Well yes, it would be the opposite in other cases."  _Get to it,would you._

      "Okay, so why isn’t it with me?"

      "Well," He pauses to clear his throat and Josh stands up next to me, squeezing my hand. "Because you have a hormonal dis-balance."


	13. Blessings

November 27, 2011

      I stare down at the untouched plate of food as I boringly toss it side to side. I can’t push myself to eat. Nothing stay’s down anymore. I find myself being constantly hungry, yet when I actually see food, I instantly lose my appetite. There’s a small voice in the back of my head that never fails to convince me to push away the plate of food before me. I can’t remember the last time I had an actual meal. 

      "Are you even gonna _try_  to finish that?” I turn rapidly, startled by the sound of his voice.

      "No, not really. I’m not hungry." I shrug. With that, I slip off the chair and start to walk away. Just before I take a step out the door, he clears his throat loudly, causing me to turn my heal and raise my eyebrow at him.

      "You have to eat, Jen." Just before I question him, he raises his hand. I take a step closer and examine the orange see through bottle, containing my prescription pills. I walk over to him and rolls my eyes, snatching away the small bottle from his hand.

      "What the hell does ‘metaformin’ even do?" I watch as the left side of his lip rises into a side smirk. A soft chuckle escapes him as he shakes his head.

      “First of all, It’s called ‘Metformin’. Secondly, it’s used for many purposes, but the only reason they gave it to you is because of your hormonal dis-balance. It’s suppose to balance things out and get you back to normal. “

      "I don’t get it. How do you know more about this than me?" He runs his hand through his hair before walking up to me and pulling me into his arms.

      "You’re my girl, I’m suppose to be well informed." He murmurs into my ear softly. I sigh into his chest and I could feel myself loosen up.

      "I could get used to being called your girl." His hold on me tightens and he pulls me even closer.

      "You’ve always been my girl. You’ve always been mine, period." He says, matter-of-factly.

      "Does that mean you’ve always been mine?"

      He leans down and leaves small butterfly kisses all over my face, causing me to close my eyes as a smile spreads on my lips and my heart instantly quickens as I wait for his answer. I open my eyes and look back up at him.

      "Always." I smile softly and bury my face in the crook of his neck. "You still have to eat…"

      "Josh…" I groan, clearly irritated. "That food is horrible!"

      He raises an eyebrow and moves towards the plate I left on the counter.

      "Rice and beans? What’s so bad about that?" I cross my arms and look at him. "Okay, okay. I can make some soup? Is that better?"

      "Since when can you make soup?" I chuckle slightly, grabbing the plate and moving it to the sink.

      "Since that time in eighth grade that you got sick and missed school for a week. I stayed home all day with my mom learning to make it so I could bring it over to you." He says, already moving from side to side in my kitchen as he looks for whatever supplies he needs.

      "You made that chicken soup? I remember asking my mom for soup every day after that for a while." I smile at the memory and look over at him still digging in the fridge for the materials he needs.

      "Good, I spent all day on that." He chuckled softly. When my eyes meet his, I notice the soft smile on his lips. Slowly, he makes his way towards me. There’s something about the way he looks at me that makes my stomach do back flips. Before I know it, my face is being cradled and his lips are on mine. Even though I should be used to this, I’m not. I close my eyes and lean into him, savoring the feeling. It feels like we haven’t kissed in so long. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him as close to me as possible. Without breaking the kiss, I slowly make my way towards the couch, pulling him with me. Just as I reach it, I push him down gently until he’s sitting down with my knees on each side, hovering over him.

      It’s like no matter how close I am to him, It’s never close enough. I grab on to the hair on the nape of his neck and deepen the kiss. His lips part from mine and a groan escapes him. One of his hands moves to hold on to my waist and the other stays on my face, bringing me to his lips again. I run my fingers along his brown locks and I smile through the kiss. It’s insane how much I’ve missed this. How the feeling of his lips on mine tend to erase all the tension I have. His hand digs into my side as he slowly pushes me down so that I’m gently sitting on him. I move closer, earning another small groan from the back of his throat. I’m nearly breathless but the need for air doesn’t compare to my need for his kisses. His intoxicating taste that drives me insane.

      When the kissing does slow down, his lips part mine and move towards my jaw. Leaving small kisses around it and a couple down my neck. When he stops, he keeps his head on the crook of my neck. My arms are around his neck, clinging to him as I try to steady my breathing.

      "For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wished to know what it felt like to kiss you. Now that I’m free to do it whenever I want, I feel like I don’t do it enough." He mumbles faintly. I look down at his head on my chest, his arms wrapped around me in a protective manner. I smile as I take in the flush in his cheeks. I lean down and kiss him softly once more.

      We lie down on the couch, cuddled up together. I no longer feel the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. It’s warm and I feel slightly relaxed. With Josh, I tend to forget all my worries and all my problems. In that moment, I count my blessings. All my blessings, starting with the one next to me. I feel a smile glued on my face as I lay my head on his chest, completely and utterly at ease.


	14. It's My Birthday, I Can Cry If I Want To

November 29, 2011

      There are time when I feel like I’m truly getting better. Then I take another look in the mirror and laugh at the thought. I keep hoping things will improve. I keep hoping I will get better. If I’m being honest, It’s just gotten worse. My insecurities haunt me, awake or asleep. My eating habits are at their lowest point.

      I often find myself pretending to have already eaten if I’m asked. It’s easier than I thought it would be, also. I got so tired of seeing the look on Josh’s face every time I would leave more than half the food on my plate. That worried look that drove me insane, filling my insides with guilt. It came to a point where I got what I didn’t want to eat, dumped it in a paper towel, wrapped it up and thrown it away. That became the only option once just throwing it in the trash became too obvious. Every time I did try to eat, I would end up feeling guilty, the voice inside my head screaming ‘ _don’t eat, you’re fat._ ’

      I lie down on my bed, focused on my ceiling like I often find myself doing. I begin to analyze everything that’s going on lately. Every thing that has occurred, all the changes that I’ve gone through, and just shamelessly drowning in my own self pity. I find comfort in being alone. There is something about not having to pretend to be okay, to be able to feel whatever I want to feel. I can cry if I want to, without feeling guilty about worrying Josh. Whatever I feel, there is no point in bottling it up, because I’m in my safe zone. My room has always been my safe zone.

      Ever since I was little, I remember moving all the time after my parents divorced. April 6, 2006. That date changed my life. By the time I was seventeen, I had moved thirteen times. I found comfort in being alone in my room. After my parent’s divorce, I changed. I don’t remember much, but my mom sure does. She used to mention it, as little as possible, but she did. She would mention how much I changed. I was no longer the sweet little girl who laughed at everything and loved everyone. I was quiet, more reserved. My attitude towards people wasn’t as sweet as before. According to my mom, the biggest change was my weight. I stopped eating as much as I used to. By eighth grade, I was skinnier than I had ever been and that’s a lot to say considering how chubby I was in prior years.

      How I am now, however, is much worse. Weight has become an obsession for me, if it isn’t already easy to see. Every time I eat, I think about gaining weight. When I don’t, I can’t help but feel a little good about it. It’s like my mind and body fight against each other. My body, begging to be fed, and my mind, neglecting food as much as possible. Not eating somehow makes me feel like I will lose weight. Like I will get there… If I starve myself.

***

      My sleepy eyes open slowly, bothered by the sunlight streaming through the window. I can hear the sound of a motorcycle outside and instantly, there’s a small flutter in me, knowing what that sound means. I don’t bother getting up, knowing he has the key to open the door himself. The door opens not a minute later and I can hear his loud footsteps towards my room.

      "Happy birthday, Princess!" He chuckles seeing me in bed, obviously awakened from a nap. I groan and shove my face in my pillow at the reminder. I feel the bed move slightly as he comes to sit by me. "Oh, yeah. That’s a great attitude to have on your special day." He teases sarcastically.

      "What’s so special about it?" I mumble with my face still shoved in my pillow, refusing to face him and his cheerful self.

      "It’s your twentieth birthday, you Grinch. Come on, where’s the excitement?" I chuckle once he starts shaking me lightly by the shoulder. He pulled my closer to him, nuzzling his face into my neck softly and kissing my hair. I was glad my face was shoved in my pillow and I was able to hide the huge smile on my face. When I still didn’t respond, he began shaking me again. " _Babe_ , seriously."

      I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I let out a laugh. He sounded so much like a child. “My  birthday isn’t anything special, Josh.” Especially not this year, when I weighed forty pounds more than I did last year and I was the walking definition of the word  _moody_.

      "Of course it is, you’re done with your teen years!" I turned to face him, looking right into his  eyes. I didn’t know what to say. I was always looking forward to growing up, not wanting to be a teen. I wanted to be an adult. To grow up though, isn’t what I had imagined it would be. This is what I wished for all throughout my life? Surely not. He studied me, his eyes landing on my lips as he leaned in and kissed my lips softly. Pulling away from me, he looked at me as if carefully picking his next words. " Can I take you out today?" The last thing I wanted is to be around other people. "Please? We always do something for your birthday… and this is the first birthday we spend that you’re finally mine. I get to take you out and say that. You’re mine." He let out a soft sigh. "I’ve wanted to be able to take you out on your birthday as my girlfriend for so long."

      He was scared I’ll say no. I want to. God, I want to. Thinking back, we really had more often than not done something for my birthday. Not once was a birthday complete without my best friend. Family parties, birthday dinners, amusement parks, always something. Looking at him now and his pleading face was like looking at toddler and telling him that I ate all his Halloween candy.

      "Okay, yes." His face broke into a grin, stretching out from ear to ear as he launched himself at me, wrapping me in his arms tightly. "No parties, though." I heard him mumble a soft ‘mhm’ before he pulled my face closer to his and kissed me. I smiled against his lips as we broke apart. I giggled lightly, feeling my cheeks burn up as I buried my face in his neck. I couldn’t help it. I lived for these moments.

***

      I had almost forgotten how unbelievably difficult it was for me to find clothes in my closet that still fit me well enough. Lately, all I’ve been wearing includes leggings, sweatpants and an endless amount of baggy shirts.

      I found one of the prettiest dresses I owned that surprisingly still fit me. Along with the dress, I gathered up some things I might need to do my make up and my favorite pair of fuchsia heels and made my way to my bathroom to get dressed. I haven’t put on make up in such a long time that I had almost forgotten how much better putting on make up made me feel about myself. I didn’t look pale and broken like I was used to. Putting make up on somehow felt like I was hiding my flaws, and to me, I need to hide as many flaws as possible. It makes me feel better…pretty. 

***

      The fluttering in my stomach had not ceased since we left my house, as much as I hoped it would. Not only was it my birthday, it was a date. I hadn’t been on a date in a long time. Especially not one so beautiful. Josh had brought me to an Italian restaurant. Not just any restaurant though, it close to the beach. So close, I could practically see the beach through the restaurant’s glass doors. I had never seen something so perfect, I was undeniably mesmerized. Due to the fact that it was almost night time, the sun had begun to set. 

      "Pretty, huh?" I looked at him and smiled. He looked stunning, I almost couldn’t believe that he was here with me. That he had brought me somewhere so beautiful. I chuckled, shaking my head at him faintly.

      "Pretty? This is so amazing I can’t even begin to thank you enough for bringing me here tonight." Every thought that I previously had about not wanting to let him take me out vanished as soon as I saw where he was taking me. The scenery of it all was astounding. It was almost too good to be true. We made small talk until we had our order taken. I slowly noticed his leg shaking. He had a habit of doing that, I knew that. Now, though, it was shaking too much. "Are you okay?"

      "Yeah, yeah, I’m good." I raised my brow at him, questioning him. I always know when he lies. He knows I do, so I waited. "Okay, so.. is it time for your birthday present?"

      "What? I thought this was my birthday present?" He laughed at this, shaking his head at me like I said something funny. "You didn’t have to get me anything, Josh." i could feel my cheeks burning again, I never liked him spending money on me too much.

      "I wasn’t going to not get you anything. So? Can I give it to you now?" I smiled at him, trying not to laugh at his impatience and nodded my head. He began to shove his hand in his pocket, grinning at me once he found what he was looking for. Slowly he held a velvet box out to me. It was small and wrapped in a beautiful white bow. I looked up at him and back down at the small box now in my hands. I almost didn’t want to open it. the fluttering in my stomach was ten times worse now as I felt his eyes on me, watching my every move, my reaction to whatever he’s gotten for me. Slowly, I pulled a string from the white bow and watch it fall apart. Looking up at him one last time, I finally opened the box.

      My breath caught in my throat once I looked inside. I heard his soft laugh yet I didn’t look back up at him. Instead, my fingers lightly traced over the small pendant. In the box was a perfectly sculptured Amaryllis flower. It was a beautiful shade of red and the petals  almost looked real. I felt my eyes water as I looked up at Josh. His eyes examining me.

      "It’s perfect. Thank you so much, baby." Slowly, I brought the necklace out of the box. "Can you put it on for me?" He nodded, standing up and moving behind me. I felt his fingers move my hair over to one side and I held it and put it up, allowing him to put the necklace on me easily. He brought his lips over to mine, then the soft spot below my ear and whispered a small ‘you’re welcome’ so soft it made a shiver run through me.

      When our food arrived, we ate quietly. The night was so relaxing and peaceful that I found myself waiting to wake up from it. I was eating fine, no need to push the food away from me. The voice inside my head was gone and I felt at ease for once. 

      That was, however, until I saw a figure strutting towards us. I looked over at it, a girl walking towards the table. She wasn’t looking at me, however, so I braced myself. Confidently walking up to Josh across from me I studied her. Josh was blissfully unaware, however. She looked like a barbie. Her hair was perfectly blonde and had beautiful curls to it. Her figure was tiny and her curves stood out in all the right places. I didn’t even know her and I was already comparing myself to her, jealous that she walked so confidently with her head held high. When she finally made her way to the table, Josh looked up at her confused as she smirked down at him.

      "You’re Josh Hutcherson, right?" My heart thudded against my chest and I tried to put my head down, I couldn’t bring myself to look up at her, feeling embarrassed of myself.

      "Um, yeah. I am." He was still confused as he looked up at her. He took one glance in my direction and looked back up at her. "Can I help you?"

      She flipped her hair over her shoulder and leaned forward, purposely placing her cleavage at eye level with his face. I looked at him now, he wasn’t even trying to look down, instead, his eyes remained on hers. 

      "Me and my friends were just wondering if we could have a minute? We’re all huge fans." She smirked again and looked over her shoulder at a table a couple rows down, full of her so called friends. It looked like a group of barbies. She giggled and looked at him again. "So, what do you say?" She leaned over a little more. By now, I was pretty sure my heart was in my throat.

      He looked over at me and back at her. “Yeah, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m on a date. With my girlfriend.” With that, he faced away from her and looked at me, trying to catch my eye. I couldn’t look at him though. I was so mortified at how she could just walk up to him like if I wasn’t here at all. Like if I was invisible.

      She scoffed at him and shrugged. She grabbed a piece of paper in her hand and put it down on the table. “Whatever, when you’re done with Shamu, give me a call.” I froze.

      "Don’t count on it." He sounded so unaffected. I, on the other hand, was speechless. I looked down at my food and pushed it away from me. I could almost feel what I had already eaten trying to make it’s reappearance. I suddenly couldn’t stand to be here anymore. Grabbing my purse, I quickly made my way out as fast as I could. I could hear Josh calling my name behind me, but I couldn’t find myself to look back, let alone stop.

      When he did reach me, I was by the car. I thanked all that was holy that we decided against bringing the motorcycle. He soundlessly unlocked the car and I didn’t wait for him to come over to me to move inside. Once I did, I let all the tears threatening to spill, finally out. He got in, quickly bringing me to his side and wrapping me in his arms.

      "Don’t let that get to you. She was just some bimbo trying to get to you.Please don’t cry." He rubbed my arm up and down, trying to soothe me. It didn’t work, though. I cried all the way home, hating her for ruining one of the best days I’ve had in a while. Once I was home, I asked to be alone. I didn’t want him staying with me and apologizing for the girls behavior again and again. I just wanted my safe place. He grabbed my hand before I left and kissed me.

      "When I saw the necklace and I looked into it. All I could think about is you. All I ever think about is you, okay? Nothing else matters. Nobody else’s shit matters." I nodded, my face still wet with tears. He sighed and kissed my forehead, his lips lingering tenderly. With one last kiss, I walked into my home, desperate to get to my safe zone. I would end my birthday crying. Happy birthday to me.

 


	15. Better Or Worse

December 4, 2011  
  
      I pour some scented body wash over the bath tub and block the plug hole as I turn on the water, moving the handle more towards the ‘Hot’ side. I begin to undress, throwing my dirty clothes to the corner of the bathroom. I’ve always enjoyed hot baths, they relaxed me. Now, I wait until I notice the steam rising from the water to get in.   
      The water is scorching and I feel as if my skin has suddenly been lit on fire.  My body is blazing from head to toe, and I find it comforting. I’ve been feeling numb for so long, the burning feeling isn’t bad at all. After all, we bleed just to know we’re alive. If I could, I wouldn’t mind staying here forever, feeling the steamy water bush against my tender flesh.   
      Once the bath runs cold, I unblock the plug hole and step out. My skin is flushed bright pink and my fingers and toes now look like raisins. My hand travels down to my lower stomach until I feel my stitches. They have begun to heal, although they’re not quite there yet. I brush my index finger back and forth along the closed wound and take a deep breath. I have such mixed feelings about the stitches on my sides. I don’t mind the ones inside my belly button, because they’re not all that visible. The ones on my sides, however, are what make me nervous.   
      I hear the quick ring of my phone from the outside, signaling a text message. I don’t really have to guess who it’s from, seeing as the only person I ever really talk to nowadays is Josh. I somehow managed to block everyone else out of my life, can’t say that was a bad thing, though. I didn’t need more people seeing how much of a mess I’ve become. As I put on some leggings and one of my big white T-shirts, I walk out of the bathroom and grab my phone from my bed.   
  
 __

 _Gonna go pick you up now, be there in ten._

  
  
      I look down to what I’m wearing and shrug, not really bothering with changing and move towards my closet to slip on some shoes.   
  


  
***

      Josh and I have been a little more subtle around each other. It’s sort of like he’s waiting for me to explode like kind of ticking time bomb. We haven’t spoken of the Barbie at the restaurant or her hurtful ‘Shamu’ comment. Although he’s tried, I do everything I can to avoid that conversation. I just don’t think I’m ready to quite relive that yet.   
      The day goes by as we watch movies in the movie room. This is my all time favorite room. It’s so unreal it’s almost fake. Three walls painted a calming beige color, while the wall towards the outside is nothing but glass, giving you the perfect view to the outside of the house. It actually feels like you’re in a tree house  due to the fact that all you see beyond the glass is tree after tree. It’s incredible. Especially at night, when the house lights are off outside and the only light reflecting off the leafs are coming from the moonlight.   
      Since it’s only six O’clock, I’ll have to wait a couple more hours for the moonlight to bounce off the trees and create the perfect scenery. Josh looks down to me as I lay down on his lap, facing the projector on the glass wall.  
      "Have you eaten today?" He questions. I turn away from the movie playing to look up at him. I hesitate for a moment before shaking my head. No, I hadn’t eaten all day, but I wasn’t really hungry. He nods slowly and fidgets to get up until I remove my head from his lap. Running a hand through his hair, he extends his other hand out to me and I take it cautiously. "Let’s get some food in you."   
      I begin to shake my head, not liking where this was going. “I’m not hungry, it’s fine. I actually wanted to finish the movie.” He nods at me and reaches over, grabbing the remote from the mahogany coffee table.   
      He pauses the movie and looks at me, his lips in a tight line. “There. Now you can finish the movie. After you eat. C’mon.”   
      I throw my head back, finally giving in to him. When we reach the kitchen, I hop up and sit on the counter and watch him move around the kitchen. He brings out a small plate and begins to put one big spoon of fried rice on it. I cringe internally when I see him add another. I’ve always loved this, really, but now it seems to make my stomach turn.   
      I try to hide how much I don’t want to eat, because I know he’s trying, and rejecting the food would be like a small kick in the gut for him. So, I smile at him. It’s endearing to see him move back and forth around the kitchen putting together something for me to eat. Once he’s finished, he looks up at me with an accomplished, contagious grin. As he moves between my thighs and wraps his arms around my waist, I cradle his face in my hand and place a tender kiss upon his lips, lingering for just a moment.   
      "Thank you," I mumble once we part. He nods in response and plants a soft kiss to my shoulder.   
      "I’m gonna go check on Driver, let him out for a couple minutes." He gestures his head towards the plate of food and looks up at me. "Eat."  I only nod in response.   
When he leaves, I stare at the plate full of food and place it on my lap. Grabbing the fork, I begin to move it around, tossing and turning the rise over. I guess it’s my way of hoping maybe a small part of me will want to eat it. I don’t. The smell I used to love is now making me want to turn my face away. I don’t think I have eaten anything other than saltine crackers since that night at the restaurant.   
      After a few minutes of looking at the food without any progress, I begin to check my surroundings to see if he’s near. Once I’m certain that he’s not, I hop off the counter and move by the sink to grab a paper towel. Slowly, I place it down and begin to put the food it in it. When I’m done, I move to place the empty plate in the sink. Looking at the food on the paper towel, I grab the corners and move them towards the middle. When I’m certain no food will spill on to the floor, I grab it in my hand and head for the garbage, but apparently, not slick enough.   
      When I turn around, he’s looking right at me with a puzzled expression. He looked from my face to the ball of food wrapped in paper towel in my hand.   
      "Is this where I say it’s not what it looks like?" I chuckle nervously, hoping to ease the sudden tension. His eyebrow rises and his face hardens.   
      "Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.." He looks to my hand again and I instinctively wrap my other hand around the big ball of food. The closer he gets to me, the more I think I’m gonna throw up.   
      "I know this looks bad, Josh… But-" he cuts me off before I finish.   
      "Is this what you’ve been doing?" His voice is stern, his face cold as he narrows his eyes at me. “Is this why you stopped complaining about having to eat? Because you found a way to not eat without anyone finding out? Are you fucking kidding me?” I feel my body freeze. He never curses at me. Never like this, so cold and austere. “How long have you been doing that shit?”   
      "Josh, you don’t-" He takes two steps towards me, his index finger up, telling me to stop.   
      "How…long..Jennifer" I can feel my face redden at the use of my full name. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this. It’s not that big of a deal.   
      "I don’t know, okay? A little while." My voice sounds low, and I’m surprised I got that far without stuttering.   
      "A little while? And your pills? The ones you’re suppose to take every time you  ** _eat_**?” When I don’t answer, he shakes his head disapprovingly. “You haven’t been taking them, have you? How are you suppose to get any better? Freggin’ magic?”   
      "Stop." Now it’s my turn to sound cold. The way he’s talking has me shaking in anger. "The way you’re talking to me isn’t gonna fix shit." He laughs at this and throws both his hands up in the air, exasperated.   
      "Okay well obviously the hearts and rainbows shit doesn’t work." He turns away from me and continues shaking his head. "The sweet, caring option doesn’t work with you, at least you’re responding to this." He walks over to me and takes the food ball from my hands, throwing it in the trash can for me. At this point I can feel my eyes well up with tears. When one escapes me, I quickly wipe it off, not wanting him to see me cry.   
      He looks up at me and leans down on the counter, placing his elbows on the cold surface and running his hands from his face, to his hair, and down to his face again. “Don’t. God, I hate seeing you cry.” I wipe my eyes more at this, not wanting any more tears to spill. Without warning, he envelops me in his arms tightly and I instantly wrap my arms around his waist.    
      Reluctantly, the tears start to spill, beginning to leave wet spots on his white V-neck. His body is still tense in my hold and I know this isn’t the end of it. As my tears subside, he gently pulls me off him. When I look up at him, he takes a deep breath.   
      "Let me cool off… I just.. I just need to cool off." I stand still not daring to move, knowing he’s pushing me away slightly, but understanding why. "I just wanna be alone for a couple minutes. Just hang out.. I’ll be right back."    
      I watch him walk away from me until he is no longer in sight. When he’s gone, I leave the kitchen and wander around until I reach the door to the backyard. I walk out and look down at the wood floor. Slowly, I sit down and lie back, looking up at the sky. The sun is almost about to set, giving the sky a perfect, soft marigold color. The breeze is gentle, cooling my skin down from how heated it had been just minutes ago.   
      I nod off once the view and the breeze relax me to the core. The smell of fresh air filling my senses and releasing the tension in me.   
      When I wake, it’s to someone clearing their  throat. I don’t open my eyes but I’m sure it isn’t Joshua. The sound was feminine… And familiar. Fuck.   
      Opening one eye to peek above me, my guess is proved right. I sigh and sit up, instantly irritated. "He called you."   
      She chuckles. “Of course he did, who else was he gonna call?”   
      "It’s unnecessary, Desiree." She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. I don’t have to ask to know that he’s already told her everything. Fuming, I get up and march inside, walking until I find him sitting on the living room couch. He looks up at me, eyes widened.   
      "You called my fucking sister?" What was he hoping for? Yes I loved my sister, but he basically just threw me under the bus and for what? So she could knock some sense into me? I think we all know my head is made of cement, it’s pretty damn difficult to get through.  Therefore, calling my sister was a low blow.  
      "I thought she could help you." My temper was soaring with that one simple sentence.   
      "What the hell do I need help for?" I ask, my heart thumping loudly in my chest. "I’m fine, Joshua." His full name sounded foreign coming from me. I couldn’t remember last time I had called him that.   
      "You might not think so." I almost forgot she was in the room. I turned to look back at her.   
      "I don’t need help, Des. I’m fine. I don’t get hungry, what’s the big deal?" I shrug it off.   
      "Do you know who you’re talking to? I may not know what you’re going through now, but you know I’ve had my share of fucked up shit. And you know that I can see right through you." There is no hint of playfulness in her voice, that, also foreign.   
      I look back and forth between my sister and him. After a minute, I throw my hands up in defeat and throw myself on the couch.   
      "Alright, so you’re both here. Let me have it." I know I’m being unreasonable and that they’re trying to lend a hand, but I’m just so sick of being looked at as if I need help. It makes me feel weak. Powerless. Josh shakes his head, his eyes shining as he looks at me.   
      "You seem to think we like this. You think we like seeing you starve yourself? You think we like seeing you close yourself off and push us away? We don’t. That’s why we’re here. That’s why I called Desy." He gets up and moves closer to me on the sofa. "You’ve been my best friend all my life, and not once have you ever pushed me away. I’ve known every thought that crosses your mind since we were kids, and not knowing now, basically kills me. I’m trying to be there for you, but I can only do so much if you refuse to let me." His words seem to slice right through the tough exterior of me and I feel myself beginning to soften. I see Desy move closer until she’s in front of me and she kneels down, grabbing my hand.   
      "You’ve always been the one to mend the broken, and now that you’re breaking, you refuse to be saved. You’ve been my back bone for so long. Let me be yours for a change. Talk to me. Talks to  _us_.”   
      There’s a knot in my throat the size of a rock and if I take a deep breath I might break completely. I look down at her and nod. “What do you want me to say?”   
      "Lets start with why haven’t you been eating?" She says, looking over at Josh and then over to me. I take a moment to steady my breathing and swallow the knot keeping me from talking properly. I didn’t know where to start, but once I did, the words came out like vomit.   
      "I can’t stand to see myself anymore. I can’t gain any more weight than I already have. I don’t even feel hungry anymore, ever. I tried to eat, I did, but not wanting to eat and trying anyways only made me want to gag and throw up the little I ate. So… I started pretending. And it was so much easier. To not have to look at a face full of worry every time I left too much food. To not have to feel guilty when I did eat, because of the voice screaming at me that eating will make me fat and that soon nobody will want me." I took a deep breath, "I feel like I try so hard to lose weight, like I bend over backwards and it’s still not good enough. I feel like if I eat, and gain just one more fucking pound, nobody will even bother to look at me." I avoided Josh’s eyes as I said that.  
      "That’s what you’re worried about? That if you gain a little weight, you won’t be loved anymore?" His voice is soft and low as he grabs my chin lightly and shifts my face so I’m looking right at him. "I’m starting to think that you don’t have the slightest idea of what I feel for you."   
      "I don’t think you realize how much we love and care for you. You’ve been there for us whenever we needed you. You’re so amazing, you just don’t see it yet. It’s a shame, really." Desy says, squeezing my hand a little. "We’ll always be here. Good or bad, better or worse. You’re my sister, my ride or die." She smiles up at me, her eyes glistening with unshed tears and she softly kisses my hand and its enough to make me cry again.   
      Josh kisses my forehead lightly. “I hate seeing you like this. I feel like I haven’t heard you laugh in so long. Which kind of sucks cause you have the cutest laugh in the world. I miss seeing it…hearing it.”   
      Desy chuckles at that, making me smile. “Like that time in eighth grade that you made me a cupcake and you videotaped yourself telling me you ate it with this shit eating grin on your face. It was like you didn’t care because you knew I loved you anyways.” We all laugh, remembering that day.   
      Josh’s warm breath brushes my ear and he softly tucks my hair behind my ear. “Point is, we want to be there. If you’re getting better, we want to be there edging you on. If things are getting worse, we still want to be there, helping you up, because nobody deserves to go through this on their own.” I nod my head slowly, knowing that they’re both right.   
      We sit in silence and I grab on to both of their hands. I can’t help but put up a wall whenever I feel like I’m about to break. It’s my defense mechanism. No matter what, there’s always a point where I feel completely and utterly alone. It’s times like these when I realize I’m not. It’s also times like these when I realize that sometimes, the most important thing someone needs, is a strong support system. 


	16. Try

December 6, 2011

      I watch as my feet leave footprints on the sand with each step I take. The sand cool against my toes and the water occasionally brushing up against my skin as I walk along the beach shore, holding on to Josh’s hand. I watch as the sun begins to set, the soft ocean breeze causing my hair to blow in all directions. I’ve always loved the beach at this time. It wasn’t crowded like it was during the day, it was almost empty and quiet, tranquil. There was something about feeling the water brush up against my skin as each wave crashed against the shore. The sound of the waves crashing felt like music to my ears.

      Josh and I place a blanket on the sand and sit, peacefully enjoying the sun setting before our eyes. I scoot closer to Josh, lightly placing my head on his shoulders.

      “Want to hear a joke?” He questions as I look up at him, smirking crookedly.

      “Sure, go for it.” His smirk turns into a full smile and he sits up straighter, turning so his body is facing me.

      “Okay, why couldn’t the blonde dial 911?” I shook my head and tried not to laugh.

      “I don’t know, why?”

      “Because she couldn’t find the eleven.” He immediately begins to laugh at his own joke, slapping his knee softly as he does so. I just stare at him, a small grin on my face and begin to shake my head again. “Oh come on, why are you not laughing?”

      “Because that was lame and you’re a dork.” I laugh at the hurtful look he gives me.

      “Okay, fine. Another one. Are you ready?” He begins to rub his hands together, determined to make me laugh. I nod my head, waiting for the next joke. “How do you get a one handed blonde down from a tree?” I shrug. “You wave at her.” He pauses for a second, then begins to laugh and clap his hands together. 

      “Oh my god, you’re so lame. Why are we together?” A loud giggle escapes me and I lie down on my back. I look over at him and he raises an eyebrow and gets up. He begins to pat his khaki shorts, getting rid of the sand as he begins to walk away.

      “Where are you going?”

      “To look for your sense of humor, I think you lost it.” He scoffs as he turns away from me, beginning to walk away with an exaggerated swing to his hips. I bring my hands up to cover my face and begin to laugh loudly, unable to hold back. He sucked at telling jokes, and when he tried; they were the lamest jokes ever. Yet, his reactions and his own natural behavior made me laugh so easily. He was funnier when he didn’t have to try.

      When I bring my hands away from my face, he’s standing at my feet with his hands on his hips and smiling down at me. He walks back and sits down beside me. We’re side by side, me laying down and facing the sky as he sits to my left, hands wrapped around his knees and facing down at me. He begins to lean towards me and I bring myself up to lean on my elbows and touch my forehead to his,

      “I love hearing you laugh.” He murmurs, leaning in closer and kissing me softly. “Music to my hears.” Chuckling, he brings his lips back to mine. My left hand automatically reaches up to cradle his cheek. I feel him begin to lean over me, bringing his hand up to my face and deepening the kiss. I lower my hand until I feel the neck of his shirt and I pull him even closer to me, earning a soft, delicious groan from him. We stay there, tangled in each others arms until the sun is set and we’re nearly breathless.

***

December 7, 2011

      I wake in a puddle of blood.

      I can’t say that I’ve missed having my period. Honestly, I think that might have been the only good thing that came with this whole mess. I didn’t miss waking up in a puddle of my own blood and ruined underwear. I get out of bed and wobble over to my bathroom, cringing at the sticky feeling between my thighs. I begin to get rid of my clothes and I turn on the shower. I wait until the mirror begins to fog, knowing that’s when the water reaches the hot temperature that I like.

      I wash the blood off, scrubbing my thighs and watching the water begin to turn a blood red color. I stare at the puddle at my feet, thinking back to when I removed my bandages and freaked out as I saw myself. I snap out of it, focusing only on washing myself completely.

      As I step out, it hits me. I don’t have anything to use. I got so used to not getting my period that I didn’t bother buying any supplies the past couple of months. I call out for Desy, knowing she’s downstairs somewhere.

      Desy has been staying with me lately, thinking that I don’t know what she’s doing. Supposedly it’s just to spend some quality time, although I wasn’t aware that quality time involved watching my every step. From the moment I step out of bed to the moment I lay my head back on my pillow at night. If I didn’t feel like I was being baby sat, I would enjoy having her around. The fact that I feel as if I’m under a microscope is holding me back from embracing her company and I’m really trying to do anything in my power to show her that I don’t need a nanny. I hear her heavy foot steps as she gets closer and closer to my room until the door bursts open.

      “Wha- Holy shit! Jenny?! What the hell?!” I peak my head out of the bathroom only to see her standing before me with a pale face and her hand resting over her chest. I clear my throat softly until her eyes meet mine. “What the hell happened?”

      “Mother nature is back and better than ever.” I shrug.

      “That’s good right? Getting back to normal?” She questions.

      “I don’t know… I would assume so.” I look around awkwardly. “Do you..have anything? You know..”

      “Oh! Yeah, yeah I’ll be right back.” With that, she leaves the room.

      As I wait for her to get back, I wrap the towel around me and tie it so it won’t fall off. I walk over to my bed and begin to remove the bloody sheets. Leaving my bed bare, I try to ball up the mess and move it to a corner so I could put in the washing machine when I’m done, along with my bloodstained clothes. I let my hair down from it’s messy bun to put it up again in a way that the hairs won’t cover my face. Hearing Desy’s footsteps again, I look up just in time to see her walking in and over to me with a box in her hands

      “Desy to the rescue!” She laughs, a triumphant smile on her face. “I’m going to go and make us something to eat.” The thought makes me uneasy.

      “Um, actually, I’m not all that hungry after waking up in a pool of blood. You go ahead and help yourself.”  _Not like I’ll be eating anything in my fridge any time soon._

      When I’m finally clean and dressed, I begin to wash everything that is dirty and go over to Desy in the living room. She sits on the counter and I lean on the wall as I look at her. Her shiny brown hair that has grown noticeably and now reaches down to her lower back in perfect messy curls. Her pretty body that I’ve always wished to have and her tiny waist that anything fit. I know that we have been through this, but even though she’s scarred, she’s undeniably beautiful. Yet, I’m scarred too, but I’m nothing special. I’m not a size zero and my waist is anything but thin anymore. I feel fat all over. It’s a miracle I have Josh, although sometimes I still wonder why he settles for me when he can have anyone he wants with the snap of a finger. Of course, I ignore that because thinking about it never really leads me to happy thoughts. Not that many things do.

      She looks over at me and notices me staring and pats the stool besides her with a smile. I smile weekly and move over to sit beside her.

      “So, you still haven’t told me about your little beach date yesterday.” She elbows my arm playfully and I giggle softly.

      “It was fun. I always feel better when I’m around him. The whole scenery with the sunset also helped. I felt peaceful, you know?” I smile thinking about last night. She smiles at me, her brown eyes shining.

      “He loves you, you know that, right?”

      “Ugh, no. He can’t love me. Besides we only just started dating.” I didn’t even know if dating was the word. I mean, we are dating… But it sounds weird saying it out loud. I’m not quite used to it yet.

      “So? You guys have known each other all your life. It’s always been obvious that he had a thing for you. You were always just blind I guess.” She shrugs, as if it was in fact the most obvious thing in the world.

      “Yeah, I’m sure I was blind to see how much he loved me while dating all those stuck up girls.” I roll my eyes at her.

      “Well, you didn’t see it so he went for other people. Guys have needs, Jen.”

      “Oh my god..I don’t even- I don’t want to think about that, Des.” I shook my head and went over to the couch, sitting down and throwing my head back.

      “Okay, okay. I’m gonna make you some oat meal or something, okay?” She hopped off the stool, already walking around and into the kitchen.

      “I’m not hungry.” 

      “Well, you always liked oatmeal. So you’re gonna eat some. You need to eat something, okay? So shut up about it.” I rolled my eyes at her again, even though she couldn’t see me. Sometimes I wondered if she even hears the things I tell her or if they just go in through one ear and out the other.

      I bring my legs up on the couch and get comfortable as I hear her moving around in the kitchen. The movement calms me and I can almost feel my eyes ready to close. Even though I’m sleepy, I try to stay awake and focus on the TV in front of me. I haven’t watched TV in so long I can practically see the dust on the black screen. I turn it on and begin flipping through the channels, hoping to see something that interests me.

      “Okay, It’s all done.” I don’t answer her. Instead, I keep flipping through channels. “Jenny, I swear if you don’t come over here I will move in and annoy you every single day.” I groan, leaving my comfortable positon on the couch to sit back on the kitchen counter. She places a small bowl of oatmeal in front of me and I look down at it. There are small banana slices in it and small chocolate chips that are melting slowly.

      I grab the spoon and look up at her as she stares me down expectantly. It smells good, but I can’t bring myself to be hungry. I look up at her again and bring the spoon to my mouth. As soon as I do, I almost spit it out. What used to actually taste good to me now feels like I’m eating goo. I bring my hand over my mouth and force myself to swallow. I do this for the next couple of spoonfuls. I know that if I don’t, it will only cause more worry to her and if I worry her, she tells Josh. I can’t stand the thought of worrying any of them, so I force myself to eat no matter how much my body protests against it.

      She looks at me worriedly, as if she knows what I’m doing. Like she feels bad for me, knowing how much I don’t want to do this. Yet, I keep on. I’m determined to finish this. Now that I think about it, I can’t think of the last time I actually finished a meal and didn’t feel sick. I actually can’t remember the last time I finished a meal, period.

      As I swallow the last spoonful, I push the bowl away from me. She takes it from me gently and walks over to the sink, filling it with water and looking back at me.

      “That was good. How do you feel?” Her voice is low as she speaks.

      “I’m fine. It was..okay.” What am I suppose to say? The truth? I think I’m going to be sick. I’m not saying that though. I refuse to. I’m fine, the feeling will pass and I’ll be fine. I finally finished something, that’s progress.

      She nods and leans against the dish washer with her arms crosses against her chest. I can hear the clock in the kitchen ticking slowly. With each tick I begin to feel sicker. My stomach feels like it’s tightening and my hands begin to sweat. I wipe my hands on my pants and clear my throat. I intertwine my fingers tightly together under the counter so she can’t see. 

      I get up slowly and begin to make my way towards the bathroom when I feel it. I can hear her following me but I don’t acknowledge it. I get to the bathroom and I kneel down on my knees next to the toilet. I try to keep it together but I can’t seem to stop the room from spinning around me and before I know it, everything I just ate is making it’s reappearance.

      “Oh my god.” She’s at my side in an instant, running her hand up and down my spine as I heave heavily into the toilet. I don’t realize I’m crying until I bring my hand up to wipe my face.

      “I-” I look up at my sisters face, incredibly ashamed of myself. “I’m sorry, I-”

      “It’s okay.” 

      She envelops me in her arms and begins to try and soothe me. But it’s not. I shake my head as more tears begin to escape me. I had felt sick after eating before but never to a point where I would throw up. I might have just reached a whole new other level.

      “I’m calling Josh, okay?” I don’t speak, I don’t think I can. I release her and spit into the sink, trying to get rid of the lousy taste. I get back up and flush, picking out my toothbrush and beginning to wash my mouth until the taste is no longer there. I sit near the tub and spend a couple more minutes in the bathroom, I don’t know how much time passes but when I hear the front door open and close, I know he’s here. Yet, I can’t bring myself to get up. I lower my head in guilt. When he opens the door, my head shoots up to meet his gaze. His lips are in a thin line when his eyes meet my watery ones.

      “I swear I tried. I-” I cover my face with my hands. “I tried, I tried, I’m so sorry.” He kneels down beside me and pulls me to him, cradling my body with his and shushing me.

      “I know, sweetie.” He takes a deep breath and kisses my temple. ”It’s okay. Everything is fine..You’ll be okay.”

***

      I walk into the grocery store hand in hand with Josh as we search through the aisles for food to help an upset stomach. We grab things like fruits and everything needed to make broth. The good thing is that it’s things I know I can keep down and go well with the stomach. We make our way to check out once we have everything we need.We’re about to step out of the stores doors when a voice stops me.

      “Jenny?”

      I stand in place, slightly shocked. I know that voice, it’s familiar, but it can’t be. I turn around slowly and release Josh’s hands. My guess is proved right when I look at her. Her black hair landing just below her shoulders and her perfect olive skin practically glowing.

_Debbie._


	17. EDNOS

December 7, 2011

      Josh barely has time to utter a word before I’m out of his reach and sprinting towards her. My face breaks into a smile as I wrap my arms around her in a tight hug.

     “Oh my god, it’s you!” She exclaims, tightening her hold on me and swaying from side to side. “It’s been so long!”

     “Tell me about it!” I laugh, letting go of her as we take in the sight of each other. I look back at Josh and motion for him to come over although he stills seems a little lost. “Josh, remember Debbie?” His eyebrows knit together in confusion. I wait for it to click, but when it doesn’t, Debbie steps in.

     “Oh, you know, the one you use to tease and throw water balloons at whenever I stole Jen from you.” She chuckles and pokes my arm while I laugh at our childhood memories. We used to be together so often that our parents would call us the Three Musketeers. I remember Josh pulling pranks on her whenever her and I spent too much time together without him. I always thought the things he did to her to get my attention were amusing. He seemed to remember as his eyes widened slightly. I could almost see the memories come together in his head just by looking at his face.

     “Oh, yeah!” He snaps his fingers as it clicks. “Hi! I’m sorry, my memory sucks sometimes.”

     “It’s fine, I see puberty has done you good.” She smiles at him and raises her eyebrow slightly.

     “Oh, um, thanks… I think.” I giggle at his flushed expression and grab on to his hand, giving it a slight squeeze.

     “So what are you doing here? I thought you were in Florida?” Debbie and I had known each other since we were running around in diapers due to the fact that our mothers were extremely close. Once we turned eleven, her mom got a job offer in Florida and she had to move to the other side of the country. I remember us keeping in touch as much as possible after she moved. Although, as much as we tried to stay close, distance sucked. We drifted apart and started talking less and less until the phone calls just stopped and life just went on. I was convinced I would probably never see her again because of how far she moved. I’m glad I was wrong.

     “I moved back here in August for college but I’m thinking of staying here afterwards. LA has always been home to me after all, I can’t bear the thought of having to leave it again. Besides, The Sunshine State my ass. Florida’s temperature can go from real sunny to real rainy in an hour.” I laugh at her annoyed tone and she rolled her eyes.”No, seriously. Last year, Spring felt like Winter and I didn’t even see the sun all Summer. All I saw was gray skies and fucking rain.”

     “Well then, it’s good to have you back.” I pat her shoulder lightly and shake my head. “Are you staying close by?”

     “Yeah, here, let me give you my number.”

     I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and handed it to her. We exchanged information and I agreed on meeting up later on in the day. After talking in the middle of the grocery store for over half an hour, we parted ways. Josh and I drove back to his house, talking about times from when we were smaller and Debbie was around. I smile at the memories and all the trouble we use to get into. Once we get to my house, I grab my phone and call the hospital to make sure I know the date of my next appointment.

     I grab a sticky note from the kitchen counter and begin writing down all I need to know. The date of the appointment, the time, where it will take place and the name of my new doctor. Apparently, I won’t be seeing Dr.Knight anymore. Instead, it will be a different doctor to check my progress and how much better things have gotten since my surgery. Well, better or worse in my case.

     Once I have everything jotted down, I separate the sticky note and place it on the fridge along with all the other reminders. I lay down on the couch and begin to get into a comfortable position. When Josh comes to check on me, I’m laying on my back watching TV with my legs over the top of the couch and my head upside down. I look up at him and he smiles down at me.

     “How is that even comfortable?” He asks.

     “I don’t know, I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. Where’s Desy?”

     “Snoring loudly in your guest room.” He smiles at me, trying not to laugh and taking a seat on the floor beside me. I giggled at the image and continued to flip through the channels. I settle on a channel with cartoon and pull out my phone to text Debbie. As the show goes on, we message each other and agree on her coming over tonight. Once everything is set, I put my phone on the coffee table in front of the couch and get out of my upside down position to sit next to Josh on the floor. I grab a hold of his hands, intertwining them with mine and playing with his fingers.

     When I wake up, my head is on Josh’s lap while his hands are tangled softly in my hair. His head leans back and rests on the couch and his mouth is slightly open. The cartoons continue playing in the background but from the way the light from the window has lessened, I’m assuming we have napped for a good few hours on this hard tiled floor. I grab my phone and look at the time, realizing Debbie should be here any minute and I completely fell asleep without preparing anything for her visit. Just as I am about to get up, there is a knock on the door and Josh startles awake.

     I get up and head for the door while fixing my messy tousled hair into a pony tail. I open the door to see her carrying a big box of pizza along with a large white bag while her black leather purse hangs off her shoulder. She smiles up at me and hands me the box of pizza.

     “I brought pizza so we can sit around the TV with blankets and food like we used to when we were little.” She explains. I close the door behind her and lead her into the living room with Josh who is now sitting on the couch lazily rubbing his eyes.

     "That was sweet, thank you,” I place the box down on the coffee table and head over to the cabinet below the TV that has all the movies in it. “Do you have any movie preferences?”

     “Do you have American Psycho? Please tell me you have American Psycho.” I chuckle and nod my head at her while looking for it. She claps her hands together and I grab the DVD from the cabinet, turning around to see her grab her bag and pull out a big blanket. I raise my eyebrow at her and smirk teasingly. “What? You can’t watch a movie without a blanket.” I look over at Josh who is wearing an expression similar to mine with a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

     I put in the movie and excuse myself to go upstairs once the previews begin playing. I make my way towards the guestroom and open the door quietly. Desy lies motionlessly, a light snore escaping her. I sit on the edge of the bed and poke her sides until she begins to stir and her eyes open slowly. Her eyebrow raises as if questioning my reason for waking her.

     “Wake up, we have a guest.”

     “Guest? Who?” Her eyes become more focused and she sits up, rubbing her eyes.

     “Remember Debbie?” She looks pensive for a moment before looking at me and shaking her head. “You know…the one with the hot brother you had a crush on?” She cocks her head to the side in confusion and I begin to think she might not even be fully awake yet. It could take a while. “Evan? Tan bad boy full of tattoos?” Her eyes widen at his name.

     “Oh god, how could I forget him,” She rolls her eyes and nods her head. “Yeah, I remember now. What? He’s here?”

     “His sister. Debbie, the one me and Josh use to hand out with.” She gives her head a slow nod as she recalls who I’m talking about and begins to step out of bed. I wait as she fixes herself up and we walk downstairs together.

     We all talk for a while as we watch the movie. I cuddle up to Josh and keep my eyes on the screen, enjoying the sight of a very young, very gorgeous and very, very creepy Christian Bale. I lie in between Josh and Debbie and Desy lies next to Debbie with her feet up on table. Twenty minutes into the movie, Debbie reaches for the box of pizza and places it on her lap.

     “It was hot as hell when I brought it, it should be warm by now.” She says, opening it up, pulling out a slice and offering me one.

     “No, thank you. I’m not really hungry.”

     “Are you sure? I remembered to order it half Hawaiian. Is that still your favorite?” She questions.

     “Yeah, it is. I’m surprised you remembered, actually.” I smile at her, touched that she remembered something as small as my favorite flavor of pizza in the last eight years. “I’m just not really hungry right now.”

     “I’ll take one, I’m starving.” Josh says, reaching out and grabbing a slice off the box. Debbie shrugs and offers some to Desy as I look up at Josh.

     Thank you. I whisper, grateful for his interference. He kisses my forehead and we all turn our attention back to the movie.

***

December 10, 2011

     There will never be a time when the endless white hospital halls won’t send a shiver down my spine. I sit down nervously and look at all the pale, worried faces surrounding me as I wait my turn. Beside me, Josh fiddles with his hands.

     "Aren’t I the one that’s suppose to be nervous?" He faces me and smiles sheepishly. He grabs my hand and brings it up to his lips, kissing my knuckles softly.

     "Sorry," He chuckles. "can’t help it." I smile and tighten my grip on his hand.

     When my name is finally called, we glance at each other. The nurse leads us towards the room in which my new doctor will meet us. She closes the door as she leaves and we’re left waiting.

     The door opens shortly after and the doctor enters. He seems to be in his late twenties. His light brown hair covering his forehead, hazel eyes and a small amount of scruff on his jaw that leads down to his Adam’s apple.

     "Hello, Jennifer." He extends his hand out to me and I take it. "I’m Dr.Blake, I’ll be checking your progress. It’s nice to meet you."

     "Nice to meet you, too." I nod slightly and he smiles. He shakes Josh’s hand and turns over to me again as he takes a seat.

     "Okay well, today I’ll just ask you a couple of questions to see what is going on and if there is anything we need to know. Is that okay?" I nod my head and he continues. "Alright, if there is anything that you’re not comfortable with answering or would rather answer alone, feel free to let me know." Again, I nod my head and wait for him to begin asking questions.

     "Okay, I see here that before the surgery, you didn’t menstruate for about eight months. Is that still an issue?"

     "Um, no actually. I got it on the seventh."

     "And how long do your periods usually last?"

     "About four days, usually." This wasn’t so hard. I rather be answering questions than be letting out all else that has happened. The questions all seem pretty normal. From how I’m feeling to the healing of my scars. If and how often I feel any pain. If I’ve been exerting myself and lifting heavy things I shouldn’t be. They are all simple until Josh speaks.

     "Are you going to ask anything with a bit more importance?" He questions. Dr. Blake cocks his head to the side.

     "What do you mean?" He asks, his eyebrows knitted.

     "You know, eating habits. If she has been taking her medication. The consequences of malnutrition and-"

     "Josh!" I cut him off before he continues.

     "What? If I don’t bring it up, you won’t." Exactly. That was the point. It didn’t have to be brought up because it wasn’t that big of a deal.

     "Have you been having trouble eating?" The doctor asks.

     "No, I haven’t. I don’t get hungry." He looks taken aback for a second and looks between Josh and I.

     "You don’t… get hungry? You are aware that your medication requires you to take it once a day with a meal and you should be eating at least three times a day."

     "Yes, I know that. But I don’t get hungry and last time I forced myself to eat, I ended up heaving into my toilet." Everything gets quiet for a second and my heart behinds to speed up.

     "I don’t think you know how important that is. How long has this been going on?"

     I’m just about to answer him when Josh beats me to it. It’s not just an answer, though. He begins to tell him everything. My denial to eat, my constant excuses for not eating and the fact I can go days without wanting to eat. He mentions my refusing to go out and how I always try to stay in and lock myself up in my room or his. He continues to tell him other things, my new found obsession for losing weight and my never ending ’fat’ comments.

     Dr.Blake glances at me as Josh speaks and I try my best to keep my gaze on the ground. If I speak now, I’ll lash out from how angry I am. I can feel my face heating up and I realize I’ve let go of Josh’s hands. I don’t realize I’m being spoken to until my shoulder is touched.

     "This is more serious than I thought." He says, his eyes boring into mine intensely. I raise my eyebrow at him slowly.

     "What is that suppose to mean?" I look over at Josh, unable to meet my eyes. The way he looks around the room is enough to let me know that he is aware of just how mad I am right now.

     "Is everything he just said true? You’re starving yourself because you want to lose weight?" I had never said it out loud, but wasn’t it obvious?

     "Well, no shit. Nobody just gains a shit ton of weight and is happy with it. I just want to lose weight. It shouldn’t be this hard. So yeah, I refuse to eat from time to time. But I want to go back to how I was, I don’t care what I have to put my body through to get to that point again. I don’t expect you to understand, either.” He waits before speaking again.

     “Everything he just said is true, then..” It sounds like a question, so I nod although I’m sure he already knows the answer. ”And you’ve gotten to a point where you’ve thrown up?” I give my head a slight bob up and down. ”I don’t think you realize, all the symptoms he just mentioned lead me to believe you might be dealing with something we call EDNOS.”

     I stay quiet and wait for him to elaborate. I have no idea what that might be.

     "What is that?"

     "Well… EDNOS is an acronym. It stands for Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified."

_What?_


	18. Stay With Me

December 10, 2011

　It wouldn’t be the first time that I have made my problems seem smaller than they were mainly because I was scared to just how big they really are. I didn’t see anything wrong with me when I slowly stopped losing my appetite. I didn’t see anything wrong with me when I started wrapping up my food in a napkin and throwing it in the trash to make it seem like I ate. I paid no mind to it, I figured I’ll just get over it. I thought that this whole thing was just blown out of proportion and I didn’t see it as much of a big deal. Yet, turning to see Josh’s face and knowing that it’s probably mirroring mine kind of clears it up for me. The fog in my head extinguishes and wipes out all the ignorant ‘it’s no big deal’ excuses.

　　“I didn’t really know that existed.” I say, turning my attention back to Dr.Blake.

　　“Not many people are aware it exists because it isn’t put out there as widely as the other eating disorders. It doesn’t mean it is any less serious, though.” He clears his his throat and continues to speak “The way we see it, it’s like the line between Anorexia and Bulimia. It’s when a patient has symptoms of both but not necessarily one or the other. In a way, it’s in the middle.”

　　He continues to explain what EDNOS means and the symptoms that come along with it while also pointing out the symptoms I seem to have. He pauses occasionally and looks up at me so that I may confirm certain ones. Somewhere in the conversation, his voice begins to dull until it isn’t clear anymore and I lose myself deep within my thoughts until I feel the warmth of Josh’s hand on my knee. I look up at the doctor and clear my throat thoroughly.

　　“What do you suggest I do?” He looked at me and frowned slightly, the wrinkles on his forehead more apparent as he thought about what to say next.

“I would advise you to try other ways of reaching your goal. If losing weight is your main priority, that’s fine but starving yourself isn’t the only way to do it. Instead, maybe try some work outs at home or even joining a gym as well as watching the way you eat and try healthier foods.” He paused and I give my head a slight nod. “Also, you don’t necessarily have to eat much. Just enough. If you continue to have trouble eating, we’ll have no choice but to set you up with a nutritionist. I strongly believe that will help you not only get back on track with your eating habits but also learn how to balance your daily diet correctly without having to be irrational about it.”

　　I listened to everything he said intently, not wanting to miss anything he said that could help me. Grabbing a post it pad from his desk and taking a pen from his pocket, he began writing down suggestions. After writing down his signature, he looks up to face me again.

　　“On the other hand, I was looking over your file to have a better idea of what I’m dealing with. Now, I am aware you have a hormonal imbalance but I wanted to have you take another blood analysis so that we could look into your insulin, testosterone and your estrogen.” He says, licking his thumb and flipping through the papers with my information on them. “That way, we will be able to point out where the problem is and find better ways to get you back to normal.”

　　I hold myself back from groaning at the mention of having to endure dealing with needles again. Instead, I nod my head and let him know that I am okay with his plan. The more I know about what is going on with me, the better.

　　“If you want, I can have you take the analysis now so that we don’t have to wait that long to have the results. You take it today and I can have the results tomorrow morning.” He takes a deep breath and looks at me expectantly, waiting for my approval.

　　“Okay,” I inhale and exhale slowly, wiping the sweat off my hands on my jeans. “the sooner I get over it, the better.” He nods and takes the note pad from his desk, grappling his pen out of his pocket.

　　“Perfect. Now, I’ll write the directions down for you and you can go over to take it. When I get the results, I will call you tomorrow first thing in the morning.”

　　When I get into the room I was told to go to, all I see are kids. Yelling and screaming and running around. Some sit and play with their toys while others sit and cling onto their parents leg as they cry. I feel silly, a girl my age in a room surrounded by kids as I walk over to the counter and tell the lady my name. Before I know it, I’m sitting in the waiting room leaning on Josh’s shoulder with an annoying plastic wristband wrapped around my wrist with my name on it in big black letters. My skin crawls just thinking about having another needle poked into my skin to take blood out.

　　An hour of waiting passes by until my name is called and I walk into the big white room nervously, taking my seat and laying my arm out for the doctor. If there is one good thing about taking out blood, it’s that I have good veins. Thankfully, that makes things much quicker. The doctor takes a seat next to me, taking out three clear bottles with different color tops. Taking a bottle from the side, he aims it at my inner elbow and sprays.

　　The liquid is so cold I jump at the surprise. I stare in shock at my skin as it reddens and rises and I realize I no longer feel anything in the reddened area.

　　“Numbing spray?” I ask the doctor, bewildered. He looks up at me and smiles while he nods. “Genius.” From the corner of the room, I hear Josh chuckle and I smile to myself. I don’t feel the needle when it enters my skin but I still can’t bring myself to look at the blood pouring into the different tubes. Instead, I wait until it’s over and I am dismissed.

*******

　　Josh’s guest room has slowly become mine. I walk into the room and drop my bag on the bed, walking over towards the mirror with the note in my hand. I study the recommendations and reach over to the mirror, pasting it to the corner.

　　I walk over to the closet that is now full of my clothes. I reach out and touch my favorite pair of ripped skinny jeans that I haven’t worn in months. Mainly because I’m scared of how bad it will look on me now after all the weight I’ve gained. Taking a deep breath, I pull the jeans off the hanger and slowly start stripping off my clothes but leaving on my shirt. I can feel the heat rushing to my face and my palms getting sweaty. Walking towards the bed, I lay down and reach down to pull one leg through the jeans and do it again for the other. Standing up, I try pulling them up and it’s all going smoothly until they reach my thighs. I get a better hold of the jeans, sliding my index finger and my middle finger through the belt loops on either side. I pull and pull but it’s fruitless and all I’m achieving is making myself feel worse. It’s no use to try to fit into my old clothes knowing that I’ve changed too much to be able to fit into anything that isn’t a sundress or leggings with huge shirts.

　　I kick the jeans off and retrieve the leggings I was wearing before. I grab my purse and make my way downstairs to where Josh is, stopping when I see him in the kitchen, devouring leftover pizza from yesterday. When he looks up at me, he raises and eyebrow.

　　“Watswong?” He asks with his mouth full, making it impossible for him to correctly pronounce the two simple words.

　　“Do you mind if we go to the mall? I don’t really fit into any of my old clothes and trying them on only makes me feel bad.” He begins to nod and turns, putting the box of pizza back in the refrigerator.

　　“Yeah,” He swallows, “that sounds like a good idea.” 　　

*******

　　Two hours later in a store and I have a shopping cart with only four things because of the lack of things either my size or flattering for my size. Almost everything is tight and close to the body, which is the last thing I want to be wearing at the moment. Therefore, I have a strapless black and gray dress that reaches my ankles, a teal button down blouse, a white tank top with a city design on the front and of course, a pair of leggings.

　　Once I’m sure that I won’t be able to find anything else I like in the store, I move towards the fitting rooms. Four things. Two hours and a half in this stupid store and I could only find four things that would fit me well enough. When I reach the front of the line, I hold up what I’m going to try on for the lady to count and I wait for her to give me a card with the number four on it and tell me where to go to try on my clothes.

　　I close the door and hang up the clothes before turning to look at myself in the mirror. I can already feel my heart beating relentlessly against my chest. After ridding myself of the clothes I was wearing, I reach for the long dress and try it on first. I haven’t even looked at myself in the mirror again but I can tell this won’t work out. It feels tight and uncomfortable by my armpits. If I wore it for an hour I would have marks for days. Not daring to look at myself, I pull it over my shoulders and hang it back up on the plastic hanger.

　　I reach for the teal blouse and unbutton it before trying it on and buttoning it. Too tight. All it does is bring more attention to the rolls on my stomach. My arms are too fat and if I bend my elbow, I feel like I’ll break it. If I take a deep breath, I might just blow these buttons off and break the mirror. I know I’m over thinking it. I know, but I tear it off of me before I burst into tears.

　　I sit down for a minute and try to collect myself, taking deep breaths and trying to relax. After all, I have two more things to try on. Something has to fit. Something has to fit.

　　I look over at the white tank top. It’s long enough to wear with leggings and it’ll cover my butt. It’s longer in the back than it is on the front. It seems wide enough to fit me so I stand up and grab it, taking it off the hanger and pulling it on over my head. When it’s on, I look down at myself. It’s not too tight on my body and it doesn’t highlight my stomach like everything else does. I feel a hint of a smile before I gather up my courage and turn over to look myself in the mirror.

　　That was a mistake.

　　Although it’s not tight and it doesn’t outline my stomach, it’s still not good enough. My smile fades and turns into a stiff line. I lift up my arms and look at my side. My bras have gotten so tight on me that they have somehow left their mark. My skin pops out where my bra is usually buttoned on the back. It pops out of the shirt and just makes me look strange. I grab the hem oh the shirt and pull it off, hanging it up with the other clothes that don’t fit me.

　　The leggings is all that’s left. Sitting on the small chair in front of the mirror, I begin to try on the leggings and give up when they don’t go past my thighs. I run my fingers through my hair and let out a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding. This is bullshit. One-size, my ass.

　　I put my clothes back on and grab what I went to try on, throwing it on the cart by the racks of clothings that people leave and give the card with the number back to the worker. When I find Josh, he’s sitting by the fitting room with his right leg resting on his left knee as he holds on to his right knee. I always found it unusually attractive when he sat like that. When he notices me, he stands up and we walk towards each other.

　　“What happened? You didn’t like anything?” He asks, putting his right arm around my shoulder. I shake my head while keeping my gaze down to our moving feet. “Okay well, you want to try looking for something else?” Again, I give my head a slight shake. “Come on, we’ll try looking for one more thing and if that doesn’t work out, we can go home and try some other time.” I don’t say anything but I let him guide us to another store and walk around aimlessly, not really caring about finding anything else until my eyes land on another white tank top.

　　This one has wider shoulder straps and is slightly longer. However, that’s not what catches my attention. I walk away from Josh soundlessly and reach for the tank top. There is a wolf in the front with piercing blue eyes and black fur. On the front of the shirt are the words “STAY STRONG”. I grab the shirt in my hands and turn to look at Josh.

　　“I like it,” He smiles at me, “go try it on.”

　　In the fitting room, I admire the shirt before trying it on. Knowing that the only reason it catched my attention was because of the words printed in the front. Yet, when I pull it over my head, I know that it’s no use. This doesn’t fit either. This is just like the other tank top I tried on. I can’t stomach looking at myself in the mirror any longer so I put my clothes back on and get rid of the wolf shirt on my way out of the fitting room. Nothing fits. Nothing fits. I don’t even notice I have passed by Josh until I feel his hand on my shoulder.

　　“Hey hey hey, where are you going?” I feel as if I’ll cry if I look him in the eyes.

　　“I want to go home.” I almost cringe when I hear my voice crack. Thankfully, he doesn’t argue. We walk out of the mall and straight into the car while I’m clutching my bag to my chest like a life line. My gaze doesn’t leave the floor as I walk out of the fear that I might cry if I look elsewhere.

　　However, I feel Josh watching me as soon as we’re both sitting in the car and when my eyes meet his, my dam breaks and my tears escape me all the way home. 　

*******

　　I know that if I don’t find a way to fix myself soon, I’ll just get worse. I can’t expect Josh to always be there to stitch me back together. For all I know, he could be gone any minute and I would have to help myself. Maybe I could join a gym and have it become a routine for me, keeping it going until my jeans finally fit me again. Maybe Josh will join me and work beside me. After all, what better motivation than watching your boyfriend work up a sweat beside you. In the end, watching him work out and seeing the veins in his arms might as well be my favorite thing in the world. Just the thought has my feet automatically searching for him throughout the tree-house.

　　I smile at the sight of him leaning against the wall. His eyes roam the sky and he holds his phone to his ear. I walk slowly, wanting to sneak up behind him but stopping once I hear him speak.

　　“Yes, mom. I know this was important…you think I don’t know that?” I tilt my head, confused at his worried tone. He runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath before speaking again. “I know it’s a good role but I’m not doing it… I can’t leave her, mom.”

　　The hairs on the back of my neck rise when I realize it’s me they’re speaking of.

　　“Jesus fucking Christ, it’s just a movie. So what if I turned it down? What’s the big deal?” He paused and I could almost hear her screaming over the phone. “Okay, I understand… I’m still not leaving her to go film some movie for god knows how long.” Once again, he runs his fingers roughly through his hair in frustration. His body shifts slightly until his eyes land on me. I watch them widen in surprise, his lips forming a thin line.

　　“I gotta go.” He doesn’t wait for a response before he clicks off his phone and shoves it in his pocket. “Okay, I know it seems bad but hear me ou-”

　　“Are you kidding me?” I walk up to him so we’re face to face. “You turned down a role so you could stay here? Why would you do that?!”

　　“Are you being serious right now? Were you not there today?” He throws his hands up and places them on the back of his head, his cheeks flushed. “Do you really think I would leave to do some stupid movie and let you stay here on your own?”

　　“I wouldn’t be on my own, Josh. Desy could stay with me. If not, I can take care of myself.” I say, my hands on my hips.

　　“Yeah, because she’s around twenty-four seven,” He says, sarcasm pouring out of his lips. “and you wrapping up your food in napkins and throwing it away isn’t really taking care of yourself now, is it?” I almost laugh at the fact that he uses that against me.

　　“Really? You’re going to go there? Low blow, Joshua.”

　　“You know I’m right. Either way, I already turned down the role, there is no taking it back and I don’t really want to. I’m okay staying here.”

　　“That’s the thing! I know how much you love acting, I don’t want to be holding you back from doing something you love…I don’t want to be a burden.” I clench my fist and frown at him. His eyes widen and he stares at me in disbelief.

　　“You’re not a burden. When have I ever made you feel as if you were? Huh? Because if that’s how you feel then I’m obviously not doing something right.” I shake my head and cover my face with my hands. “You’re not holding me back. I want to be here. I want to be by your side whenever you need me. Not a thousand miles away and unable to do anything when you feel like you’re about to break down. I’m staying here because I want to. Because you’re more important than some stupid movie role. I’m not leaving you. I don’t give a shit what you say. You understand me?” He moves towards me, grabbing my face in his hands and forcing me to look at him. I nod, unable to form words with the ball in my throat. He lets out a breath and kisses my temple and my cheek, and my other cheek until finally, he softly presses his lips to mine.

　　I sigh when he pulls me into a hug and places his lips next to my ear so close than I can feel his breath on my skin.

　　“I’m not leaving you.”


End file.
